I saw her there, sitting on the chair opposite to me at the dining table. She was wearing a knitwear with her shawl on, donning it loosely I could see strands of her grey hairline covering her forehead. Reading a book, and sipping her tea. She looked.. graceful. Our glasses were almost of similar colour and style, despite the 20 years difference.
'Why do I feel like this?' I asked her, as I munch my 'happiness', the special bread pudding baked by Ummi this evening for iftar. It's 14th of Rajab, one of the white days. 12am, and I could not put myself to sleep since two hours ago. Ever since umrah trip, I could not seem to attach myself to the real struggle of this dunya again. Wishing the beautiful dream did not end, but, sitting in Masjid and performing individual ibadah alone is not how we get to Jannah.
She raised her head from her book and looked at me. Her gaze was very warm and comforting.
'You are born to do this. We have dealt with way worse, and you won the battle,' she replied as I just stared at the wall behind her.
She tilted her head to the right, hinting me to look at another dining chair at the edge of the dining table. There was another girl there, doing her notes. Short haired, boy cut, rectangle-framed glasses, wearing a blue cotton shirt from the 10km run she completed for her college with a buffalo check pyjama pant. The girl lifted one of her legs and brought her right knee to her chin. There were lots of books on her side of the table, every of it was very thick and she has notes for every single lines.
'She was so cool wasn't she? But acting all tough, secretly waiting for a prince charming to rescue her and bring back her feminine charm. She seriously expect life like a romance drama or something,' I giggled, describing the girl as we walked through the memories.
'I thought you are still expecting a drama series?' she giggled back at me and I rolled my eyes.
'You don't anymore?' I asked.
'No, alhamdulillah by the grace of Allah'
'How does it feel?'
'Liberating'
'I can't wait to become you,' I sighed.
'It's not as easy as it seems. You are already in a good place now. You just have to notice,'
'What do you mean?'
'Look around,' she paused, giving me spaces to be in the present moment and observe my surroundings.
'Your sisters are fast asleep on the couch, there isn't any fights or beef among you anymore. Your family has a beautiful home. You are loved. We are loved. Most importantly, you get to eat Ummi's bread pudding now. I don't get that anymore,' she smiled gently, holding on something inside.
'What happened?' my heart ached as she utter the last sentence, realising the sunnatullah of this world and the universe will continue as we grow older.
'I can't tell you. That's not how this works,' she replied, leaving both of us in silence, looking back at the younger girl in the corner, who was still immersed in her study.
'She used to say the same thing, didn't she? That she can't wait to be you'
'Yeah..'
'Remember, I am always rooting for you, like how you have been rooting for her in the past.'
'...'
'You'll get to beautiful places in the future. But now you are here. And here is beautiful too.' she smiled, once again, except this time closing her book and finished her tea. I nodded, before slowly pushing my chair backwards and leave the dining table to keep the remaining bread pudding on the kitchen bar.
'Nice talking to you. It has been a while'
'Yes, see, we just need to talk and spend time together. That's what besties do'
I smiled to her, walked back to my bedroom, leaving the empty dining table as it is.
0106AM
150125
Dengkil.
