It's Eid. And it's April.
Bosphorus is beautiful and enchanting, right in front of the apartment window. Seagulls flying on the sky, some are alone, others with their flock. Though it's the nicest place to be, for some reason, it feels like I am here at the wrong time. All I wanted is the ability to stay present, which I can't seem to feel it currently. They were talking about the past, when I came to Istanbul at a very young age. It strucked me when I realised I could not recall most of the memories, persumably the memory loss caused by my long term depression since 10 years ago.
The wave is quite strong this time after not experiencing it for a while. Nevertheless, alhamdulillah the process is a lot better because I believe I am older and wiser, equipped with the right tools and skills. Still, it sucks. It still feels like sh*t having to mask around people, feeling guilty of not being able to be present for my family and go everywhere with them, kind of ruining the holiday spirit though nobody actually thinks that. Cognitive distortions be like winking at me through the book shelves.
Yesterday's dream was disgusting, and it wasn't the first disgusting dream I had due to the intense sexual frustrations. I really hate it when it happens. Probably combinations of premenstrual syndrome, depressive episode, change of weather and surrounding, exhaustion of travelling, ovulation if that makes sense. I don't know. Nothing ever make sense when this happen.
I figured that starting my journey towards taaruf was hell exhausting. That's something I learned about myself. I could not, just simply could not make peace with the idea that I have to go through the process of uncertainties. A part of me feels like I need it for my pleasure, it urges me to rush, I get super irritated when realising that the guy is not the one and I can't marry someone tomorrow already, and so I just backed off.
Crazy.
Crazy how the process of screening and choosing a life partner without the butterflies actually feels... intellectually exhausting...? If I could describe it that way. When you use rationale and constantly being in the most reasonable state of mind. No past memories, no love bombs, no games, no confusion, no building up stories in your mind, no potential. It irritates and dissapoints me on how many people do not know how to carry a conversation and lead a discussion, what more taking initiative. Like, is there anyone normal anymore? Are you guys dense? Urghhh.
Astaghfirullah. Allahumma solli 'ala sayyidina Muhammad. May Allah protects me from arrogance or hopelessness. It's just, really annoying, and messy.
I think I'm doing the right thing. I'm heading to the right direction. A lot of first times in my life, and maybe that's why it sucks. Been trying to find my centre and settle down in this discomfort.
Right now, I just wanna go home to my plants.
1248PM
010425
Istanbul
