Akhi,
The pain that came after losing the friendship I had with you this year, was one of the most unexpected and unplanned ones in my life. Didn't see it coming at all. It hit me right where I was scarred and wounded three years ago, if not another five before that. I don't think at any point of this life I will forget the connection we built, our daily personalised greetings, our inside jokes, the silly debts, the concert we went together, and the night you drove me home.
and Abang,
To this day, I always wish the years we spent as best friends never ends. You are always one of the funniest guy I've ever met, and the strongest one too. I'm deeply sorry Abang, that we ended up bringing the worst in each other in our past relationship. I know you hated me. But you couldn't possibly hate me more that I already hated myself. And I left, not because I stop loving you for one second. I left because I stopped loving myself.
Both of you were great friends to me. You cared for me, made me laugh, and gave me good memories to hold on to. But you guys didn't love me like 'that'. I will never be chosen, no matter how much you both enjoyed my company. I will never be good enough to be pursued, no matter how much I tried to prove that I'm worth being kept and fighting for. In your eyes, I'm not worth sacrificing the comfort you were in. Perhaps, I'm too much to take, when you both can barely take responsibility of yourselves.
Sometimes I wish, I could sit with each of you for one last time before I die. Just want you to know, that I did not have any grudges, and I could never bring myself to hate people who were once a part of my life. Yes, especially you, abang. To this day, I still make prayers for you everytime you crossed my mind. I made prayers for you when I went to Umrah, and will keep doing that till the end of time.
Thank you both, for everything.
Closing this chapter with a heavy heart.
Bismillah.
240826
0140AM
Kota Damansara.
