final lap

Hidup terasa makin sempit dan nafas aku terasa makin sesak. Semester baru sangat menyebalkan. Aku dah expect dah sebenarnya yang semester ni akan sangat mencabar. Tapi betapa banyak kita bersedia pun, bila hadapinya mesti kita akan rasa sesak jugak. Aku rasa blank, unorganised, tak tahu macam mana nak susun everything dalam otak aku. 

Too many tasks. Dengan PKPB yang masih berlanjutan. Aku cuba tak bercakap tentang PKPB sebab aku dah start rasa overwhelm memikirkan kelas online dengan budak-budak ni. Aku cuba denial dan mengharapkan aku pejam mata, kemudian celik dan PKPB akan tamat. 

Tapi kalau PKPB tamat, bermakna aku cuma ada beberapa minggu sehingga akhir semester. Aku nak cuba bakar semula semangat dalam diri aku. Aku tak banyak masa tinggal. So many things yet so little time. Nope actually I've got plenty of time. Just lack of motivation.

Aku ambil master ni sebab aku minat belajar falsafah, human science, religion. Masa first degree dulu aku tak boleh nak perform langsung because professional fields are not me at all. I did my bachelor for the sake of running away from home, plus I was tested with depression back then. I could not do anything right in my life.

Bila aku sambung master, ruang kehidupan aku seakan terbuka kembali. Aku tak pernah boleh belajar tiga jam staraigt dalam kelas, dalam keadaan penat, tapi aku tak tertidur atau tersengguk langung. Bahkan boleh salin sampai 5-6 page nota. Setiap semester CGPA naik. Daripada 3.1 sampai 3.69. Semua tu aku boleh buat masa belajar master. Sebab aku belajar apa yang aku minat. 

Aku nak tulis ni untuk diri aku sendiri, yang aku sebenarnya boleh accomplish sesuatu dalam hidup. Walaupun aku rasa diri aku tak bagus dalam apa-apa pun, tapi aku taklah teruk mana. Walaupun aku punya disiplin memang struggle giler, nak habiskan semua benda, tapi banyak kali aku berjaya. Dengan air mata, menangis tak henti, break down teruk, stay up sampai tak tidur malam langsng. Selama tiga tahun setengah ni kau berjaya buat semua tu Jedda. Dan kau deserve untuk grad first class honour.

Dah tak lama dah jedda. Ye betul sem ni berat sebab kau dah lama tak ambik dua subjek. Tapi kau dah sampai lap terakhir dah dalam marathon ni jed. Kau dah pusingan terakhir. Lepas ni semuanya akan habis. Kau akan rindu semua ni. Enjoy la semua yang kau tengah buat ni jed. Enjoylah membaca. Enjoy la menulis bahas tu semua. Cari semula curiousity kau. Kalau perlu, tulis balik kat sini just to make your brain remember. 

You can do this jedda. Do it for yourself. This is your final semester. Just try your best. Try different method. You can't keep doing the same thing, expecting different result. 

Hias dinding kalau perlu. Alihkan barang2 kalau perlu. Alihkan gambar2 kalau perlu. Tukar wallpaper kalau perlu. Read between the gaps of your kids online classes. Distance yourself from social media- just use it for business. Do everything differently. 

Remember you are capable to accomplish this, and remember that you love this course. 

Find the passion again, it's not buried yet. It's just lost somewhere in your chaotic mind.

You can do this Jedda. This is your battle alone.

This is your final lap. You only have less than two months. 

You've been doing this for three years. You just need to do it for another two months. Everything will be so worth it when you see your CGPA turns 3.7 for the graduation. 

It's gonna be one of the most beautiful memory in your life.

Till then, hang in there. 

081120

11:26PM

Kundang.

 

the musk seller in my life

We were just 16 when met each other in the school canteen ten years ago. Running together at the school field and scored medals for our sports team. Staying back after school, sitting at the Surau as you taught me Additional Mathematics. I still keep my Math book which you scribbled and doodled on it, giving me motivation to study more for the incoming SPM. We stayed together in the hostel during SPM days, we listened to each other's cries, pain and stories. Those were the days you became one of the most important person in my life. We graduated high school successfully, and you flew away to Jordan. 

We were physically apart for two years, yet nothing ever changed when we reunited.

I enjoyed being with you in Jordan. Roaming freely, living our youth in foreign land. Treat each other good food, drinking hot tea together during the winter programme by the hill. I remembered we making promises that we will stick on each other till our old days, drinking hot tea peacefully on the hilltop while walking down the memory lane of our youth. 

Today on 2020, as we turned a quarter decade old, I would want to appreciate your existence in my life.

 If I could describe you in one word, it is "Determined".

You are a girl full of determination in everything that you do; studying, working, drawing, planning your life, executing your business. You're always determined to be someone great in everything- from being a daughter, a sister, a friend, a colleague. 

For maybe I- after all these years by your side- have witnessed the universe offers you no other choices than being strong, determined and bold.

Sometimes you might feel like you have failed. You might feel that your effort were left unappreciated. Your exhaustion does not birth any good results. But I have never see you giving up on the most important things in your life. You rest, and let yourself grow. You always find the wisdom behind everything that happened.

They said, some people come to your life as blessings, some others as lessons. I'm pretty sure you were sent into my life as the former. You taught me to cherish my family especially my mother, you taught me to stay focus and disciplined even if I failed numerous times. You taught me that the meaning of life lies on how much we benefit to others on this planet Earth.

If our Prophet described a good friend as a musk seller whom we will get to buy the musk from (received good things), or enjoy its good smell, you are certainly that one friend whom represents that in my life. 

For that, thank you for being a good friend. 
Even if our face has wrinkles all over, you'll forever be my boo.

Kundang.
291020
615AM

Dear Yasir

Hi there honey pie, the most handsome baby in this world. Well enjoy this award, it is valid till I have a baby boy of my own :P .You're 7 months old, and are having a fever when I'm writing this. May Allah bless you with a fast recovery, sweetie. I had only hold you once in my arm, but you're always in my prayers. 

I met your mother yesterday, after months. We rarely see each other anymore, tho. After graduation, working life, marriage, and you happened. 

I went to Central Market near her working place, and we had lunch together. She ordered iced milk tea, her favourite drink which seems like it has never changed. We talked, not really a lot, but that's how it has always been. We don't often converse a lot when we date, but we have no trouble finding comfort the silence. 

I watched her as she spoke. She's the same girl who I used to envy. Beautiful, and calm. The one with one of the most perfect smile. Especially when she talks about what she loves, and now it's when she talks about you. We shared stories and updates of our lives. For every 10 minutes she showed me your photos, telling me about you as I saw excitement and love sparkling in her eyes. I still think it's unbelievable that she's now a mother. It feels like yesterday our friendship happened, the motorbike road trip, the cactus accident, the beach, usrah and daurah, the relapse, the study groups, the programmes, volunteerism, travelling, sports days, misunderstandings, laughter and tears, everything. It feels like yesterday we were still young. 

Life has changed, a lot. Including this friendship. I still remember, clearly, crying so hard before riding the coaster to Queen Alia Airport, waving my friends goodbye as I knew things wouldn't be the same, ever again. 

Yasir, adulthood is weird. 

It's a phase when you tried your best to hold into a memory, but it keeps drifting away from you. You tried your best to hold onto some relationships, but at some point, you just don't need each other anymore. 

Your mother was one of my saviours. And I love her with all my being. She was there for me, always. And that is why I was always trying to be there for her. I still am. I was there when your parents were engaged, even I got stuck in the traffic jam for 4 hours on the journey. I was there to help her load her DIY pelamin inside the van before she headed to Temerloh for her wedding with your dad. I was there when your grandmother passed away and your mother was pregnant with you.

'Cause I love her with all of my existence.

I still love and miss her a lot. 

But I'm not attached anymore. 

No expectations. 

Tho we're not that close anymore, I still pray for her. She deserves all the goodness in this world and hereafter. She deserves every happiness and solace. She deserves a good child like you. 

Grow up well, Yasir. And be a good person like your parents. Love your friends and family unconditionally. May Allah bless you with knowledge and great personality. 

Till we meet again. 

Onty jed. 

300920

11.25PM

Kundang. 

you're your own superhero

Aku ingat lagi, dalam empat-lima tahun lepas, di Malaysia belum banyak kesedaran tentang penyakit mental. Kebanyakan dari kita berjuang dalam diam, tak tahu di mana nak minta pertolongan, tak tahu mana nak rujuk, bahkan kita tak tahu pun apa yang berlaku dalam diri kita. Kita tak perasan pun emosi kita tidak normal. We didn't even know, that we were something else.

My journey started when I found the campaign of "I Am Not Ashamed". Ada beberapa orang pejuang yang berani berkongsi kisah hidup mereka, membuat aku nekad berkongsi perkara yang sama. Sebelum itu, aku selalu menulis di IIUM Confession sahaja, tak berani nak transparent lagi. Tapi sejak I'm Not Ashamed", aku bercerita buat pertama kali di ruang Facebook sendiri, dan boom. Viral. Aku buat part kedua. Viral juga. 

Sesuatu yang orang tak tahu, selepas aku siap menulis setiap penulisan, aku tak pernah baca semula penulisan tersebut. Kerana untuk mengingati semula terlalu menyakitkan. Aku boleh tulis pun satu perkara yang sangat struggle, memang tak lah aku nak baca balik. Macam tepek kat muka sendiri, "hahh nahh ingat balik semua kesakitan kau dulu". 

Aku cuma baca komen, jawab pertanyaan orang. Masa awal-awal dulu, aku rajin bantu semua orang. Sebolehnya aku nak kawan dengan semua orang, rungkaikan permasalahan semua orang, bantu semua orang cari jalan keluar dari masalah mereka. Sampai satu tahap, I got overwhelmed. 

Aku lupa, yang kehidupan mereka bukan tanggungjawab aku. Aku bukan hero mereka. Aku bukan kaunselor, aku bukan psychologist. 

Masa zaman tu, disebabkan mental health awareness baru nak naik, ramai pejuang yang seperti itu juga. Rasa nak bantu semua orang, nak hentikan penderitaan semua orang. Jadi bila kita nak open up pun, tak ada guideline yang jelas, apa yang akan berlaku dalam hidup kita selepas publik tahu tentang diri kita, setelah masyarakat kenal kita. Tak ada kenalan doktor untuk kita rujuk, tak ada advocate yang kita kenal.

Baru-baru ni ada meeting dengan para panelis program kat UIA nanti. Kami pun sembang-sembang la, berkenalan. Mostly langkah kita bermula dengan cara yang sama. Dan cabaran kita menjadi mental health advocate juga ada banyak persamaan. Yang paling terkesan di jiwa aku:

1) Bila kita bercerita tentang pengalaman melawan sakit mental, ada yang fikir kita punya sakit biasa-biasa sahaja. Tak se-serius mereka, sebab tu kita boleh lawan. Dia punya sakit lagi serius, sebab tu dia tak mampu nak hadapinya. Macam ada orang cakap pada Faris haritu "your demon is an amateur. siap boleh take turn lagi nak bercakap", masa Faris share tentang self talk dia. 
I (being so easily pissed off bila orang cakap macam tu pada Faris) was like: Dude, dia boleh lawan sebab he's not an amateur fighter doe. The demon listens to him because he has lived long enough with 'em that now he controls them, and they don't control him anymore lol.
But I just said that in my mind la. I mean, why would you compare your illness with others like that? You literally know nothing about the person bro seriously i can't even-

2) Ada yang merujuk kita secara personal dan cerita semua perkara berkaitan hidup mereka. I really appreciate their effort to reach out, i know it's not easy and you've tried. But normally the DM's are lottss, and we easily get overwhelmed by reading and replying them all. It requires so much energy and time, which I, personally, never had enough of them. Biasanya mana yang sempat balas, I'll suggest them to seek professional help terus. That's the most important part of recovery. Plus, kita tak pernah lalui apa yang dorang lalui. So kadang kita pun tak tahu nak respon/tolong macam mana.

3) Ada yang mengambil sharing kita 100% sebagai "nasihat dan amalan". Bila kita kongsi recovery journey secara publik, dorang rasa kita bagi 'nasihat' atau suruhan yang dorang kena buat macam tu jugak. NO actually we're sharing just untuk korang rasa yang korang tak bersendiri. Ramai lagi yang struggle, and if they have found their recovery journey, maybe you'll find yours too someday. Bukan kita paksa ikut. Boleh korang nak try, kalau rasa benda tu applicable dengan lifestyle korang dan keadaan hidup korang. Tapi kalau tak applicable, tak perlu la marah, kata kita 'nasihat' sesuatu yang tak membantu, padahal itu cuma sharing sahaja.

4) Ada yang mahu berkawan, tapi kita sebenarnya tak sedia untuk commit sejauh persahabatan. Bagi aku, di usia begini, susah sangat untuk aku commit dengan new friendship. Aku tak boleh nak create instant bond dengan orang yang aku tak pernah jumpa secara berdepan.

5) Ada yang focus on the privilege that you have, sampai dorang belittle your struggle. Contohnya "untungla kau ada isteri yang support" "untungla kau ada kerja, aku dah la takde kerja," padahal every struggle is valid and non comparable between patients. Memang la untung, alhamdulillah, tapi that doesn't mean your struggle is 'less valuable'. Orang expect kita ni tak pernah lalui kesusahan macam dorang, sebab kita public advocates ni jarang sangatlah nak cerita secara detail tentang keperitan dan trauma kita pada orang awam. Pertama, sebab benda tu terlalu menyakitkan untuk ditulis semula dan diingat semula. Kedua, sebab trauma kita kadangkala berkaitan dengan keluarga terdekat (yang mungkin sekarang dah berubah), contohnya mak ayah. Jadi kita tak boleh nak cerita secara detail pasal semua tu pada masyarakat. Orang ingat kita tak lalui kesakitan seteruk dorang, hanya sebab kita nampak kuat dan positif, tapi sebenarnya kita cuma present 10% diri kita sahaja pada dunia.

Semua ni sebenarnya dilema kita. Sekarang ni I'm practising self love first, I couldn't help people when me myself is overwhelmed by my own life, my own unsettled emotion, my own commitments. 

Kesimpulannya, jika korang salah seorang pejuang, and decide to tell the public about your illness, please expect all these changes in your life, and learn from our mistakes. Always love yourself first. It's okay to say no, to not reply messages at all. Don't feel bad if you couldn't help everyone because that's not out job. Our job is to make mental illness a less taboo topic to talk publicly in this country, encourage people to seek professional help and stay alive. Nak bantu orang boleh, tapi jangan sampai terjejas kesihatan sendiri, ANDD better if you do that in groups la. NGO ke.

Dan kalau korang salah seorang diagnosed mental patient yang sedang reaching out, know that you're strong and brave. The first step to recovery is to seek professional treatment. Brace yourself to walk to that clinic, ask for referral letter, and go to the psychiatric department. Doa banyak-banyak supaya dapat doktor yang tak stigma, supaya nurse semua ok takde yang trigger korang. Kalau first appointment is disaster, next appoinment boleh minta tukar doktor. If you wanna make friends, join any community, circle or NGOs. Avoid putting expectation on advocates to always reply to you, because they might look strong and happy but often times they're struggling as much as you too. Find your own self. This is your recovery journey. 

Remember, you are your own superhero :) 

7:08PM
16/10/2020
BBK.

after two years.

Hai. Assalamualaikum.

I'm back at blog after two years. It feels so weird, but good to be back again. 

I couldn't sleep for two nights. There are so much things inside my mind. Maybe it's time to write.

When I signed in to blogspot just now, flashback of memories were like being replayed inside my mind. I started this blog ever since I was a freaking dumb 14 year old little girl. And now, I'm a grown up, a person aged quarter decade, already someone's wife. This blogspot is where I collected all my memories, the sad ones and happy ones. This was my diary. This was my home, where I grew up. But adulting has made me drifted away from it. These two years I've been writing in notes, social medias. Life became utterly overwhelming, exhausting. Maybe I need my private space again. Maybe I need to return here, my home, the place where I grew up. I should grow old here too. Writing every fond memories here again so that I won't forget what my life used to be, and how I used to feel. Or maybe one day when I died, my loved ones can scroll this blog and remember me like the movies always play.

Today is 5th July 2020. Malaysia is in the recovery phase of Covid 19, a deadly virus that killed millions of people around the world. We were in movement control order for three months. Now people are starting to get back to work, my workplace has been operating again. People started to be more hygienic. Life goes on with new norms.

My marriage is stable now. I've becoming a more emotionally stable wife. I've learnt a lot on how to be a good caregiver to Faris, without affecting my own emotions and mental health. Supporting him through his sorrow, without me feeling low as well. There were hard times too (of course) when I cried all alone, couldn't share my pain to anyone. I was clueless and hopeless. I shouldn't deny that there were times when we started to think if this marriage was a right choice. Especially after his ECT, he became a totally different person (for a month) due to the detachment of his feelings with the memories he had in his mind, and some memory lost too. Maybe I should make a different blogpost about that later. But alhamdulillah two years of marriage has made me a stronger and wiser woman, I believe it does the same to Faris. I have my own coping mechanism now when Faris is struggling with his episodes. I made myself busy with studies, and my roommate-mode mindset technique is really helpful. People started to recognise us in social medias, our stories were aired on television, we were invited for talks in Universities. We are currently working on our Youtube channel: farisjedda to advocate on mental health. I have to say that this marriage has taught me to be selfless and falling in love with my husband's flaws, accepting him as he is. One of the greatest blessings in my life.

My family. Life is good living with my in-laws. Well, a little bit lacking of privacy, but what should we do, couldn't afford a house yet. I have very good relationship with my MIL, and she loves me so much. We travelled to Singapore together last year. She always give space to me and Faris to make life decisions, doesn't even care if we're not planning to have kids yet. Never force anything on us (except few little things every mothers would). 

My parents are living the best of their life. I'm sure nobody has totally moved on from the tragic past, but at least everyone is taking themselves to new places, that's what I see. My mother is busy finding herself, through her papers, researches, journals, studies. Sometimes I really miss the old her, whom I can talk about stupid little things in life. About movies, plants, fruits, recipes, farts, dumb jokes, bakeries. All my conversations with her now are heavy and serious and so academic. But that's the life she chose. People change as life hit them hard. People change as life brings them to different places. Whatever it is, I'll always be proud of her. 

I don't really keep in touch with my father anymore. Not as frequent as we used to. I tried my best, but the best I can is just once a month. Though, with a very heavy heart. I couldn't lie to myself, or pretend that nothing has happened. This scar in my heart will stay visible, no matter how hard I tried to hide it, it will stay visible that way. So clear and obvious. I have forgiven him, but I can't pretend that he's that perfect father I used to have when I was a little girl. I can't lie to myself that we can have the same beautiful bond we used to have back then before the hurtful incident. My father is getting old. He turned 60 this year and he's not that healthy. Sometimes I imagine myself being regret if he dies one day, while I didn't make full use of the time to treat him as a father. But what can I do? I can't force myself anymore. Either way, it will always hurt me.

My friendship life. At this age of a quarter decade, sometimes I feel like the relationship I have with my friends are more complicated than my marriage. Adulting is super hard, it's always like the biggest enemy of any childhood or teenage relationship. A year ago, I've decided to let her go, one of the most important person in my life. I tried my best to hang in and hold on. I tried my best to be the one she needs, but I failed, 'cause I'll never be one. Nevertheless, my love for her had never changed. I still love her a lot, putting her name in my prayers because she has given me the most beautiful memories during my darkest days. She's like an angel who was always there for me, keeping me company and safe till the day I'm married to my man, and then, she's gone. I should've realised this earlier, that a guardian angel will never need me. She took care of me and when the time comes, I have to fly on my own. 

I lost friends, over reasons that I couldn't understand why. Sometimes I keep wondering why wouldn't they propose me to be one of their bridesmaids on their big days. Why wouldn't they invite me to their housewarming just like they invited the other girls, or invite me to their getaway and travel trips together. Was it because I'm married? Was it because it seems like I don't have enough money? I thought we were close friends. Maybe we just used to. Now we were drifting away, and soon went separately following our own paths. I started to feel anxious to come to any reunions or weddings, because I don't feel like it'd make a difference if I didn't appear. I came to learn, that friendships are almost impossible to maintain if the person doesn't need you as much as you need them, or vice versa. It hurts, every time, to watch this friendships loosen and break apart, silently. But maybe this is just the way it is. Maybe some people who used to give you the most beautiful memories will someday become just a memory. 

I started to learn to appreciate those who are staying. Those who actually need me in their life. Those who feels I am important to them, as much as they are for me. Sometimes I forgot to cherish these people, especially my family and my best friends- sue and olly.

It's good to be back here, in this diary. It feels good to cry while writing my heart out.

Till we meet again.

02:40am

050720

Kundang.