A tribute (2024) before 30

Babe wake up. We're safe. 

You don't have to be scared anymore. 

Do you hear me? Our Lord has never forsaken us. 

Open your eyes and breath slowly. We're no longer in the endless ocean, drowned, gasping for air in the darkness of the night. The storm has ended. We're safe by the shore. This is the safest place in our mind that we have been in so far in 29 years. We did it, right before we turn 30.

I went through all our writings when we were younger, and I was actually shocked to come back and read it after two years. We were so miserable? How did we go through life like that? I'm talking years and years of untreated sadness at a very young age. 

Oh honey, I'm sorry we had no clue how to love ourself before. We mistreated ourself so bad, and we projected it onto other people around us. Our friends drifted away and we had no idea why, and can't fathom the intense loneliness we felt when we were far disconnected with ourself. Allahu.

Let me hug you. We're safe now. I have sent that messages that you would want me to send to them on your behalf. We have addressed our own toxic behaviour, apologise, thanked, and prayed for them personally. This time, we did it out of accountability and kindness in our heart, not fear. 

Though what has happened the last two years we went missing from here. It was a canon event that changed every parts of us. We needed a lot of support so I went to Instagram. But we are not holding on to the sufferings like its a badge of honour anymore. 

I've thrown away that badge.
It will stay with us as a part of our memory, not defining who we are. 

I'm sorry we hated ourself so much back then. I don't even wanna remember us spending every second of our life in a terrifying place- our mind. 

We did the hard work. We had the hard conversations. It was crazy scary. I kept telling myself that "I'm a full grown adult, fully capable of having a mature conversation with my parents. I'm not a teenager anymore. I'm almost 30". Because we can't be stuck in our childhood forever. 

And guess what? It's the best decision we've ever made. 
And I will not blame you for not doing this earlier. Without you, I'm not the person I am today, and we won't be where we are today. I am so proud of you and I love you. I love how you have made me the capable woman that I am today, and I believe we are going to achieve more amazing things in the future :) I forgive all mistakes you made, and I will not judge you or hate you for them anymore.

Our Lord is the most Compassionate and Merciful towards us, thus, we have to be compassionate towards ourself too. It's a part of our worship now, and it's nice to finally be here. 

Thank you for holding on for so so long and never give up on us. 

You drew stars around my scars, and now it's bleeding

'Cause I knew you, stepping on the last train, marked me like a bloodstain, I ~

I knew you, tried to change the ending, Peter losing Wendy, I ~

I knew you, leaving like a father, running like water, I ~

When you are young, they assume you know nothing.

I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss

I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs

The smell of smoke would hang around this long

'Cause I knew everything when I was young

I knew I'd curse you for the longest time

Chasing shadows in the grocery line

I knew you'd miss me once the thrill expired

And you'd be standing in my front porch light

And I knew you'd come back to me,

You’d come back to me ~

____________________________

Will come back for more episodes here by August, this time, judgement free.

We're officially best friends!! (Means I can still be angry and annoyed at you, but I no longer hate you!)

Alhamdulillah for Iman & Islam. 
Thank you Allah. 

1227am
310724
Dengkil.