Some of these might be cognitive distortions but I still want to write it.
I think, one of the most painful feeling in this world is when you feel like you are not worth someone's effort. They act like it's not worth changing themselves for you, or asking your opinion before they make their life choices. The choices they make show that your needs are not included as a part of their life plan.
They choose their comfort, or fear, over facing the discomfort of growth and being with you. They may be loving you, but not in a way that you need. And if you walk away, they will let you. They might be affected, but they don't fight to keep you in their life. They find love somewhere else, in wrong places, or perhaps in places that trouble them even more.
Every one of us is a vilain in someone else's story.
I feel like my family members have been treating each other this way for as long as I can remember.
It's just series and series of self sabotage, never ending self-inflicted suffering and drama.
Abuya and Abang seem like they always struggle to define masculinity and what makes them feel like a man in the family. I think they find comfort in sex, control, hard work, and dominance. Classic male behaviour. The false sense of 'leadership' and the 'power' of making decisions. The illusion of wanting to be respected without actually listening to the needs of women in their lives. Oh and, most of the life choices they made are trash. Zero assertiveness that binds the family together, just desperation to show that 'I'm a man, I have power and I can decide things on my own' kind of vibe. Picking out any women they want who make them 'feel like a man' without considering how this person is going to be a part of the family.
I mean, Abuya literally marry any women he found without considering how this person is going to serve as a stepmom to his children, taking care of him at old age as a spouse, playing a part as a functional in-law to his siblings. This old man often acts like he is some sort of hero who is responsible for people around him. Abang married four different women, some without even informing Ummi neither the women's family, and still cheated on top of that. Finally found the sweetest most incredible women whom he doesn't deserve honestly, and still cheated on her recently. Why bro kept ruining his own life? Don't get me started about how he never checks on his sisters and honestly he wouldn't even realise if we die. (I just got to know that most of the time he doesn't even care for his children's nafkah, so I guess sisters are out of the list).
But what do I know? They almost never talk about themselves, their past, their feelings. Even if they do, they are always justifying whatever shit that happened because of them, instead of reflecting on the impact it caused on themselves and their family members. They were never violent (at least towards me? I think Abuya used to hit Abang and Kakak2 idk), but for me, they are mostly very avoidant and denial of their own weaknesses. They are never interested in finding different, professional solutions to the reoccuring problems in their life. Actually for them, there were never problems at the first place.
I used to hate them so much when I was younger, cause it felt like I could ruin myself to the core, throw myself at any men and they won't even give a shit (I still think that is true), and that feeling sucks. These days, I have let go of the childhood dream of having a reliable male figure in my family and try my best to reconcile with them. The generational trauma did caught me in the same hole, except that I was trying to find the love and attention I never got from both of them. (This is descriptive, not justification. I am a full grown adult, taking responsibility over my own choices).
Seven years ago I thought I will break this cycle. I mean, Faris looked different. He was expressive, self-aware and could communicate very well. Turned out I married someone who is exactly like them; avoidant and denial (except that he didn't do the sex part- not even with me). Bro was a brand new extensive episode of bittersweet nightmare; he came with the narcicistic behaviour, gaslighting, and princess mindset. He also did not give a damn about fulfilling my needs. He did what he wants, enforce rules that did not apply to him, and think I was his possession.
Oh and the shitty financial behaviour is a direct duplicate of Abang. They are poor, complain about being poor, whining as they work to try not to be poor, when they get money, they spend it to get stupid things, and then complain again about being poor and get triggered when they need to pay money for the commitment that they choose. I could not comprehend the distorted cycle. (In this part, I can respect my dad. He's poor but never complains, he did work hard and spend wisely, and not even once he abandoned his nafkah and commitment). Anyway, perhaps it was a familiar pattern, and I had a false sense of control as if I can rewrite the story of my broken family and make it work that time.
From the bottom of my heart, I can say that I don't carry hatred towards them anymore. With the grace of Allah, I have processed the feelings, and I have forgive them. As a daughter, a sister, and a previously-wife, I have caused a big mess too; times when I shouted, spoke rudely, smashed and threw stuffs to show my dissapointment, said things to purposely hurt them. Did things that hurt them and ruined myself to see if they care, begging for their acceptance and validation.
Nowadays, I keep their names in my prayers all the time and I try my best to be kind. I have grown to realise I don't have any rights to treat them otherwise, though they are not Qawwam enough and mostly failed to provide safety to the women in their lives. That doesn't mean they have not tried their best based on their knowledge and capacity, as they are also bounded by their own trauma and ego. There are parts of their decisions and habits that I still hate and fully disagree, but not them as a whole person. I still feel like they don't give a damn about me, but I stopped caring and stop expecting safety from them eversince I realised they will never have the capacity to offer it.
Nevertheless, I could not ignore the fitrah inside me of longing to be taken care of someone Qawwam. It is very very tiring to be an independent woman. I want independence as a choice, not because I was forced by life circumstances to survive. The women in my family are very tired. We are very capable and strong, but I know deep down, Kakak2 and Ummi would love to rest from the survival mode for once and be taken care of a reliable male figure. Someone we don't have to beg for them to stay, or come and offer some help.
Not saying that it is easy for anyone to care for us. Ummi had not been the best spouse to Abuya as well during their marriage. She undeniably sacrificed so much; physically, financially, but she did not fulfil his needs as how a wife should. She did not find intimacy as something beautiful and sacred, rather to her it was disgusting, similarly like my ex.
However, I feel like the women in my family have been growing so much emotionally, as we age together in adulthood. We are a lot calmer now, not easily offended anymore, or take things personally like how we used to. Of course there are still misundertanding and needs not being met, things we keep inside and suppress. But a lot has changed compared to who we were before. Kakak has break the financial scarcity cycle of the family when they bought a house, inspiring me to own a property too. They were also the first to start buying a new car years ago, instead of another used one. Ummi has been going to therapy, she is still bitter (obviously) towards her ex, but hey, she bought his family a watermelon that day. That was a big big progress, and I am so proud of her. She is now my safe space and my best friend. She still has a lot of work to do regarding respecting her children's boundaries, but she's doing so much better now.
By the mercy of Allah, I am living in my answered prayers, the ones I have been putting up my hands for since childhood. Things are far from perfect, there's still so much commitment both financially and emotionally cause yeah, this isn't Jannah after all. And this is probably the first layer of breaking the generational curse, but this is the life I wished for- Allah has granted me a loving heart towards my family, patience during misunderstandings, the absence of hatred, a house where no one yells and throw things around, where we age together with wisdom, and adapting to changes together.
In the midst of the exhaustion and compassion fatigue, I'd love to appreciate myself here. Thank you, for doing all these hard work of bringing the family together. No one is going to tell you this, but you are the glue that binds us all, Jed. You were the one who pick up all these broken pieces and glue them back, fixing whatever you can with your own broken soul and this family, showing how kindness can still coexist with anger or disagreement.
I believe that your parents had tried their best, your brother and your sisters too. Everyone surely has been trying our best to be present for each other while figuring out this whole almost-midlife-crisis and moving towards being a senior citizen. Honestly my brother is officially the most fckedup now, and idk what is going to happen to his life, but I have decided that I will not burden my mind to think about him, needing him, or caring for him. He has clearly made the bad choices in his life, and there's nothing we can do to stop him anymore.
At this point of life, I can only pray that Allah protect me and my family from any disobedience towards Him and from the hellfire. Forgive us all, ya Allah, and guide us to Your straight path.
Ameen ameen ya Rabbal Alamin.
Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal.
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