Dear Najmi,
I don't know where to start. You are probably my second crush after Aizuddin, I mean, at this age. Loved seeing you talked to the kids from last Ramadan, explaining about Quran and tadabbur. Then the National Museum trip (maybe it's just me) but I noticed the feelings grew after we caught each other's eyes and had a conversation while walking down to the botany garden or something.
Went back and asked Kak Linee to try to approach you, out of curiousity and also the confidence of a 30-year-old-divorced-woman who has gone through so much. Actually, I wrote something for you and planned to ask you by myself, but I did not because it felt weird. Something inside me said that you could not handle this directness in a conversation.
Kak Linee got back to me and told me you're not ready. I was not satisfied, I tried messaging you with random topics so I can get to know you more, became annoyed, and move on in two days. After all, they said a crush is just a lack of information.
Apparently things did not go as planned. I did not plan on texting you day and night at all! Of course I enjoyed the conversation because I am used to the outside world and it's fun to talk to opposite gender. This is common for me, though, not with an ikhwah, it felt wrong.
To the point I have gotten the information I needed- you are having internal struggle, financial struggle, career struggle, you hate yourself, you are not confident- enough to make me know exactly you're not the one. But I found comfort in the conversation, because it felt like.. home.
It felt like talking to Faris again, for some reason. Someone who needs my comfort, who trusts me to be their listener, who open up about their struggles and be vulnerable in front of me. It feels like I am responsible again for what they perceive of me, what they feel, what they think. It just felt so familiar.
I experienced this when I talked to Daniel as well. Witty, chatty, funny, lots of fun to be around. Except that when we have to sit in discomfort, you guys deflected. You could not carry the weight of the conversation. You could not meet me where I am, because you barely know where you are.
Same old shit, and I know how this will end.
I don't like you. You're just there. Vice versa.
I'm just there.
I am sorry to drag you into this. I felt bad when I asked us to stop messaging, and you said you looked like someone who craves attention while I was just cool. Bro I'm so sorry, truth is, I crave attention as well and I should not open the door.
"You don't want an immature response. If anything, you deserve better"
"I don't have a stance"
They all said the same thing, Najmi. Just another guy who enjoys my company and finds comfort in me, enjoying my attention and warmth without knowing what to do with it. Faris, that bald asshole I don't even wanna write his name here, Syed, Daniel, now you.
I am just glad dealing with you are wayyy easier as you get it. You know the boundaries, you understand the spiritual concern, you respect an akhwat as how she should be respected. I am also glad I ended this before it goes further to the next chapter. As I said, same old story, and I know how this will end. You are sweet and cute, and I believe you are a kind person. I sincerely pray that you will find yourself one day through counselling and therapies, and eventually finds your soulmate along the way inshaAllah.
Take care, Khairul Najmi.
Here's to being an awesome colleague to us all.
3:34am
280625
Kota Damansara