absence of butterflies

It's Eid. And it's April. 

Bosphorus is beautiful and enchanting, right in front of the apartment window. Seagulls flying on the sky, some are alone, others with their flock. Though it's the nicest place to be, for some reason, it feels like I am here at the wrong time. All I wanted is the ability to stay present, which I can't seem to feel it currently. They were talking about the past, when I came to Istanbul at a very young age. It strucked me when I realised I could not recall most of the memories, persumably the memory loss caused by my long term depression since 10 years ago.

The wave is quite strong this time after not experiencing it for a while. Nevertheless, alhamdulillah the process is a lot better because I believe I am older and wiser, equipped with the right tools and skills. Still, it sucks. It still feels like sh*t having to mask around people, feeling guilty of not being able to be present for my family and go everywhere with them, kind of ruining the holiday spirit though nobody actually thinks that. Cognitive distortions be like winking at me through the book shelves. 

Yesterday's dream was disgusting, and it wasn't the first disgusting dream I had due to the intense sexual frustrations. I really hate it when it happens. Probably combinations of premenstrual syndrome, depressive episode, change of weather and surrounding, exhaustion of travelling, ovulation if that makes sense. I don't know. Nothing ever make sense when this happen.

I figured that starting my journey towards taaruf was hell exhausting. That's something I learned about myself. I could not, just simply could not make peace with the idea that I have to go through the process of uncertainties. A part of me feels like I need it for my pleasure, it urges me to rush, I get super irritated when realising that the guy is not the one and I can't marry someone tomorrow already, and so I just backed off. 

Crazy. 

Crazy how the process of screening and choosing a life partner without the butterflies actually feels... intellectually exhausting...? If I could describe it that way. When you use rationale and constantly being in the most reasonable state of mind. No past memories, no love bombs, no games, no confusion, no building up stories in your mind, no potential. It irritates and dissapoints me on how many people do not know how to carry a conversation and lead a discussion, what more taking initiative. Like, is there anyone normal anymore? Are you guys dense? Urghhh. 

Astaghfirullah. Allahumma solli 'ala sayyidina Muhammad. May Allah protects me from arrogance or hopelessness. It's just, really annoying, and messy. 

I think I'm doing the right thing. I'm heading to the right direction. A lot of first times in my life, and maybe that's why it sucks. Been trying to find my centre and settle down in this discomfort. 

Right now, I just wanna go home to my plants. 


1248PM
010425
Istanbul

relapse

Crazy how I did not notice the layers of mask has been gradually adding on my face.

Heyy how've you been? Great! Alright, get to it. What's wrong with you?? I care for you! Am I talking too much? I really appreciate you sharing this with me. It's our job to care. Yeah inshaAllah I'll be there. Do not forget the practice! I am sorry, but what the hell?? Awhhh thank you so much for your support, I don't know what do I do without you. May Allah reward you. Yeah I'll send that email shortly. Dear Ms, please find the attached plan. May I have the opportunity to get to know you better? I hear you, and I respect your stance. Sorry Dr., I am at work now. Trying my best. No worries, I can come. I can help with that. I'll come up with a plan. I'll settle it by this week. Come over! We should chill together at my house. I can't get up from the bed and bring myself to shower. Screw it, I'll just go to school like this. Who cares. I smelled so bad, urgh. I really need to wash my hair, its getting more dry now. Why didn't I do more this Ramadan? I literally don't work much on my Quran reading and additional prayers. Ypu guys did a very good job! I'm proud of you! I'll come visit on Sunday inshaAllah. Sorry I did not call you. I was at the hospital the whole day. Please check the cover work as posted in Teams.

'Relapse- grief stage: acceptance. Please provide Resperidol, we are unable to provide due to technical issues.' HSIS, 20/03/2025

Disscociated from the surrounding, crashed on the floor, staring into the empty walls. Psychosomatic symtoms taking place. Mentally paralysed. At the moment I noticed the mask, it fell off when mom is around. Just me and her. 

2:22AM
210325
Kota Damansara

agent under training brb

Unofficially 30 :) Umrah trip felt like a beautiful dream I wish I was not awaken from. January started off a bit harsh. A lot of resolution, but kinda clueless on how to.... 

👀

How to....?

That was supposed to be my so-called New Year Resolution post lolz. Guess what. It's February 2025, and man, by the grace of Allah already so many good things happened! Alhamdulillah. 

We should have a different post just for our gratitude, and then our little home journey. But I want to be able to let go of the perfection and expectations towards myself, of wanting a perfect writing vibe whatsoever because ain't no way real life is like that. Gotta stay on the ground and focus on the objective of journaling at the first place. To dump, right? Sometimes you get an inspiring main character moment when you can arrange your thoughts beautifully, but some days when it's messy, it's okay. It has it's own beauty in it. The beauty of us showing up for ourselves even on days we have no idea what the hell is going on or where to start. 

So, we finally moved in the new house alhamdulillah!! Let's be excited and proud for this. Allah has made it easy. Like, literally, He has blessed me in every step I'm not exaggerating at all subhanallah. Starting from the house viewing last August. You know what, let me actually draw the timeline.

I'll post that later. Talking about perfectionism uhh 😂

Anyway, school is just 5 minutes away, and I can leave house at 730am can you imagine that? Qadarullahu ma sha'a fa'aluh :) All because of who He is, nothing about me at all. And for that, I am forever grateful. It's a bit weird, having to do things on my own now that Ummi is not around to baby me anymore. I would need some time to adapt, and imma giving myself that. Today I cooked rice, like for the first time in two years and I have mixed feeling about that. Realising that I have managed to stand on my own feet and how far I have come, it's bittersweet. 

I have my own house you guys! Praise be to Allah. 

This post is supposed to be published on 13th Feb.

Dear Aizuddin

Dear Aizuddin,

I hope you're doing well there and enjoying your studies. 

It has been a while since I have a crush on someone. It's quite embarrassing, but I realised I'm not 13 anymore. I have experienced pain and losses in different phases of life, so what else do I have to lose now at 30 years old?

Still, I don't know how and where do I start approaching you. Deep down, I still have the doubt that I will be accepted by anyone, given my status, but I really would like to know you more and become your friend.

I remember when you came to Oly and Shadeq's house last year, as I just came out from the guest room. You turned your head to the right. We looked at each other, and you greeted me. "Assalamualaikum, Jehaada" while nodding your head initiating a respectful gesture. You asked me if I drive a blue car, and said that you saw me in the car park just now. We had a brief conversation.. "Dari mana?" "Senang jumpa jalan?" "Rumah family ke?" etc. I could not remember the jokes we cracked afterwards (it was something about me driving in the wrong way), but I remember how it made me feel.

It was great to have a decent conversation with a decent guy after all the hard times. Maybe it was something usual for you out of your courtesy and kindness, but those brief moments made me feel appreciated and seen. It was also nice to see how you unhesitant-ly took the initiative to help Olly arranging the cream puff and cupcakes on the dessert plate. 

Okay this is fun. Wait cause it gets better 😆

Here comes the best part of my delulu, but who cares, no one is reading this anyway (maybe Oly will haha). I think I was playing with Aufa and.. Nuha is it? Saidah and Harith's daughter? There were like a few children there and I was enjoying myself playing with them. I then accompanied Aufa to throw a plastic packaging in the kitchen dustbin. As I hold her hand heading back to the living room, I noticed you were looking. Your friends were chatting, and as I returned to attending the kids, I heard you saying "Tengok, teacher sangat kan," something like that. 

Makcik Sham has been mentioning your name, as per told by Oly. And she actually mentioned your name in passing to me when I visited her in Rantau last few weeks. Cmon man, can't you see it? I'm pretty, kids love me, the elders love me, I have good job and great family, I'm kind and understanding, ambitious and always pursuing growth. Bro just give me a chance, it has been a year, why you still not ready? 😂😭

On a serious note, right, I am proud of myself for being able to feel again, and start approaching someone again. Just this time, I am calmer (I hope) and more rational, though there are rooms for improvements. 

I mean, what do I do if people don't like me back, right? I mean, if they couldn't see me for how awesome I am or look past my flaws, that just means they're not my people. I like me, that's the most important thing in the world. And I had went through a hell of a journey to like myself. I'm gonna cherish her so much, cause she deserves all the good things with the grace of Allah.

Side note, this week we have settled in the new house and I kinda feel like a main character today. Aishah Kamal was awarded with the Teacher of The Month and I was so happy the nomination worked. She deserves it so much, and I know Allah will grant me happiness as I make my friends happy. In any way, I am pleased, and I have to notice! Wallahi kindness is my new addiction and it has been great alhamdulillah. 


Oh, anyway Aizuddin, listen, this is not really about you. 
I'm already good by myself alhamdulillah, just looking for additional growth. 
You're a potential, but I wish you the best and thank you for being very honest!

Post on my little nest and self agency coming righttt uppp!

1201am
080225
Damansara-Dengkil 

Soundtrack- Amira Othman

now is beautiful

I saw her there, sitting on the chair opposite to me at the dining table. She was wearing a knitwear with her shawl on, donning it loosely I could see strands of her grey hairline covering her forehead. Reading a book, and sipping her tea. She looked.. graceful. Our glasses were almost of similar colour and style, despite the 20 years difference. 

'Why do I feel like this?'  I asked her, as I munch my 'happiness', the special bread pudding baked by Ummi this evening for iftar. It's 14th of Rajab, one of the white days. 12am, and I could not put myself to sleep since two hours ago. Ever since umrah trip, I could not seem to attach myself to the real struggle of this dunya again. Wishing the beautiful dream did not end, but, sitting in Masjid and performing individual ibadah alone is not how we get to Jannah.

She raised her head from her book and looked at me. Her gaze was very warm and comforting. 

'You are born to do this. We have dealt with way worse, and you won the battle,' she replied as I just stared at the wall behind her. 

She tilted her head to the right, hinting me to look at another dining chair at the edge of the dining table. There was another girl there, doing her notes. Short haired, boy cut, rectangle-framed glasses, wearing a  blue cotton shirt from the 10km run she completed for her college with a buffalo check pyjama pant. The girl lifted one of her legs and brought her right knee to her chin. There were lots of books on her side of the table, every of it was very thick and she has notes for every single lines. 

'She was so cool wasn't she? But acting all tough, secretly waiting for a prince charming to rescue her and bring back her feminine charm. She seriously expect life like a romance drama or something,'  I giggled, describing the girl as we walked through the memories.

'I thought you are still expecting a drama series?' she giggled back at me and I rolled my eyes.

'You don't anymore?' I asked.

'No, alhamdulillah by the grace of Allah'

'How does it feel?'

'Liberating'

'I can't wait to become you,' I sighed. 

'It's not as easy as it seems. You are already in a good place now. You just have to notice,' 

'What do you mean?'

'Look around,' she paused, giving me spaces to be in the present moment and observe my surroundings.

'Your sisters are fast asleep on the couch, there isn't any fights or beef among you anymore. Your family has a beautiful home. You are loved. We are loved. Most importantly, you get to eat Ummi's bread pudding now. I don't get that anymore,' she smiled gently, holding on something inside.

'What happened?' my heart ached as she utter the last sentence, realising the sunnatullah of this world and the universe will continue as we grow older.

'I can't tell you. That's not how this works,' she replied, leaving both of us in silence, looking back at the younger girl in the corner, who was still immersed in her study.

'She used to say the same thing, didn't she? That she can't wait to be you' 

'Yeah..' 

'Remember, I am always rooting for you, like how you have been rooting for her in the past.'

'...'

'You'll get to beautiful places in the future. But now you are here. And here is beautiful too.' she smiled, once again, except this time closing her book and finished her tea. I nodded, before slowly pushing my chair backwards and leave the dining table to keep the remaining bread pudding on the kitchen bar. 

'Nice talking to you. It has been a while'

'Yes, see, we just need to talk and spend time together. That's what besties do'

I smiled to her, walked back to my bedroom, leaving the empty dining table as it is. 

0106AM
150125
Dengkil.