Dear Aizuddin

Dear Aizuddin,

I hope you're doing well there and enjoying your studies. 

It has been a while since I have a crush on someone. It's quite embarrassing, but I realised I'm not 13 anymore. I have experienced pain and losses in different phases of life, so what else do I have to lose now at 30 years old?

Still, I don't know how and where do I start approaching you. Deep down, I still have the doubt that I will be accepted by anyone, given my status, but I really would like to know you more and become your friend.

I remember when you came to Oly and Shadeq's house last year, as I just came out from the guest room. You turned your head to the right. We looked at each other, and you greeted me. "Assalamualaikum, Jehaada" while nodding your head initiating a respectful gesture. You asked me if I drive a blue car, and said that you saw me in the car park just now. We had a brief conversation.. "Dari mana?" "Senang jumpa jalan?" "Rumah family ke?" etc. I could not remember the jokes we cracked afterwards (it was something about me driving in the wrong way), but I remember how it made me feel.

It was great to have a decent conversation with a decent guy after all the hard times. Maybe it was something usual for you out of your courtesy and kindness, but those brief moments made me feel appreciated and seen. It was also nice to see how you unhesitant-ly took the initiative to help Olly arranging the cream puff and cupcakes on the dessert plate. 

Okay this is fun. Wait cause it gets better 😆

Here comes the best part of my delulu, but who cares, no one is reading this anyway (maybe Oly will haha). I think I was playing with Aufa and.. Nuha is it? Saidah and Harith's daughter? There were like a few children there and I was enjoying myself playing with them. I then accompanied Aufa to throw a plastic packaging in the kitchen dustbin. As I hold her hand heading back to the living room, I noticed you were looking. Your friends were chatting, and as I returned to attending the kids, I heard you saying "Tengok, teacher sangat kan," something like that. 

Makcik Sham has been mentioning your name, as per told by Oly. And she actually mentioned your name in passing to me when I visited her in Rantau last few weeks. Cmon man, can't you see it? I'm pretty, kids love me, the elders love me, I have good job and great family, I'm kind and understanding, ambitious and always pursuing growth. Bro just give me a chance, it has been a year, why you still not ready? 😂😭

On a serious note, right, I am proud of myself for being able to feel again, and start approaching someone again. Just this time, I am calmer (I hope) and more rational, though there are rooms for improvements. 

I mean, what do I do if people don't like me back, right? I mean, if they couldn't see me for how awesome I am or look past my flaws, that just means they're not my people. I like me, that's the most important thing in the world. And I had went through a hell of a journey to like myself. I'm gonna cherish her so much, cause she deserves all the good things with the grace of Allah.

Side note, this week we have settled in the new house and I kinda feel like a main character today. Aishah Kamal was awarded with the Teacher of The Month and I was so happy the nomination worked. She deserves it so much, and I know Allah will grant me happiness as I make my friends happy. In any way, I am pleased, and I have to notice! Wallahi kindness is my new addiction and it has been great alhamdulillah. 


Oh, anyway Aizuddin, listen, this is not really about you. 
I'm already good by myself alhamdulillah, just looking for additional growth. 
You're a potential, but I wish you the best and thank you for being very honest!

Post on my little nest and self agency coming righttt uppp!

1201am
080225
Damansara-Dengkil 

Soundtrack- Amira Othman

now is beautiful

I saw her there, sitting on the chair opposite to me at the dining table. She was wearing a knitwear with her shawl on, donning it loosely I could see strands of her grey hairline covering her forehead. Reading a book, and sipping her tea. She looked.. graceful. Our glasses were almost of similar colour and style, despite the 20 years difference. 

'Why do I feel like this?'  I asked her, as I munch my 'happiness', the special bread pudding baked by Ummi this evening for iftar. It's 14th of Rajab, one of the white days. 12am, and I could not put myself to sleep since two hours ago. Ever since umrah trip, I could not seem to attach myself to the real struggle of this dunya again. Wishing the beautiful dream did not end, but, sitting in Masjid and performing individual ibadah alone is not how we get to Jannah.

She raised her head from her book and looked at me. Her gaze was very warm and comforting. 

'You are born to do this. We have dealt with way worse, and you won the battle,' she replied as I just stared at the wall behind her. 

She tilted her head to the right, hinting me to look at another dining chair at the edge of the dining table. There was another girl there, doing her notes. Short haired, boy cut, rectangle-framed glasses, wearing a  blue cotton shirt from the 10km run she completed for her college with a buffalo check pyjama pant. The girl lifted one of her legs and brought her right knee to her chin. There were lots of books on her side of the table, every of it was very thick and she has notes for every single lines. 

'She was so cool wasn't she? But acting all tough, secretly waiting for a prince charming to rescue her and bring back her feminine charm. She seriously expect life like a romance drama or something,'  I giggled, describing the girl as we walked through the memories.

'I thought you are still expecting a drama series?' she giggled back at me and I rolled my eyes.

'You don't anymore?' I asked.

'No, alhamdulillah by the grace of Allah'

'How does it feel?'

'Liberating'

'I can't wait to become you,' I sighed. 

'It's not as easy as it seems. You are already in a good place now. You just have to notice,' 

'What do you mean?'

'Look around,' she paused, giving me spaces to be in the present moment and observe my surroundings.

'Your sisters are fast asleep on the couch, there isn't any fights or beef among you anymore. Your family has a beautiful home. You are loved. We are loved. Most importantly, you get to eat Ummi's bread pudding now. I don't get that anymore,' she smiled gently, holding on something inside.

'What happened?' my heart ached as she utter the last sentence, realising the sunnatullah of this world and the universe will continue as we grow older.

'I can't tell you. That's not how this works,' she replied, leaving both of us in silence, looking back at the younger girl in the corner, who was still immersed in her study.

'She used to say the same thing, didn't she? That she can't wait to be you' 

'Yeah..' 

'Remember, I am always rooting for you, like how you have been rooting for her in the past.'

'...'

'You'll get to beautiful places in the future. But now you are here. And here is beautiful too.' she smiled, once again, except this time closing her book and finished her tea. I nodded, before slowly pushing my chair backwards and leave the dining table to keep the remaining bread pudding on the kitchen bar. 

'Nice talking to you. It has been a while'

'Yes, see, we just need to talk and spend time together. That's what besties do'

I smiled to her, walked back to my bedroom, leaving the empty dining table as it is. 

0106AM
150125
Dengkil.