Not the craziest thing I've done. But kinda cool to use my free will tonight, driving alone, getting food and watch the view of Kuala Lumpur from Bukit Tunku.
Today marks two years of our divorce. July seemed to be a depressing month, but for some reason, I made it very fulfilling by being here and there for everyone.. except myself. Owe her a date, a proper heart-to-heart talk, a good cry, a journaling. The one that only we share. The one that others don't have to know. The internal work, not for external validation. The one that doesn't fake she's okay and hide her sadness behind the humour.
I guess I'm still grieving the life I never had, and the life I crave of having.
It's harder than I thought to actually move on from the potential Najmi in my mind. I guess because I work with this guy and we'll eventually meet once a month at least, plus he's super emotionally unavailable and shut me out totally, it triggers the nervous system in me, so so much. He's a shadow of Faris- the explanation I never received, the actions I could never make sense of, the ending I never understand, the closure I never got. This time it hits so hard, of what could've been. The urge to prove myself and rationalise that perhaps hits different.
Anyway, here we are. I am glad we are finally writing, thanks to the mexican bun. She said I've been numbing us throughout this month and she's not wrong.
Crazy shit.
Out of all place, it was the 7-Eleven. She chose the cold stupid mexican bun as the last straw, and cried in front of the cashier, Processed the feelings, sobbing, while eating MAMEE kari laksa and Twisties simultaneously. It could've been in our beautiful home, or in the car while travelling to different places, but no, it was the convinient store. Oh dear.
How merciful is our God, allowing us to experience all these pain yet giving us life so beautiful. I talked to Him in my du'a, about how I am really scared of losing Him again. I'm scared of myself, I don't know until when I can hold on from the urge of maasiyah. I can feel it lurking around and it felt like the gour angels are anchoring me at their best not to get defeated. I am sorry. I am weak and in desperate need of You. Desperately needy. I am so tired of being strong.
Please protect me ya Allah. Help me to find peace through this tough waiting time.
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0423AM
Bukit Tunku Viewpoint
