summarising june !

Bismillah.

Hi there guys. So it's currently July and seems like I've left June alone without any blog entries. Well mungkin aku fokus Ramadhan haha.

So we have another three days left for our dear Ramadhan to say bye-bye. Huhu. What a heartbreaking farewell it will be. I'll miss you. How you give me hope to rise back after every degrading I've experienced. My Lord I really hope my #HopesOfRamadhan this year will come true. But of course we need to put our best efforts to make them come true. There are a few things that our Murobbi asked us to list before Ramadhan. She left it as the homework for our last liqo' before the semester break started.

Oh my God. I adore her so much. I might not know everything about her. She even might not be the most caring person I've ever met. She's like my other friends, who don't always know how to respond when I chose them as my listener. But her effort in guiding us, her Mutarabbies (it sounds like Teletubbies), to be better, to improve. Her patience and hard works are really something. I have no idea how she can perfectly manage her time for DnT and her Medical course. This girl taught me a lot. From being tough, wise, good cook, and looking elegant haha. She's beautiful. Literally beautiful and neat. I learned a lot to take care of my appearance from her.

"Dia memang kemas orangnya. Even dalam rumah pun, dia tak pernah selekeh," that's what her close people said about her.

And that inspired me a lot to ponder my style. I try to wear formal or smart casual apparels wherever I go. Blouses, jubah, baju kurung. I try to avoid wearing just t-shirts except for sports. I learned to improve my cooking skills, exploring the recipes I never bother before. Haha.

Overall living in Jordan has changed me a lot in my cooking skills. My first Jemput-jemput was born here. So does my first Spaghetti, Nasi Lemak Ayam Berempah, Nasi Tomato, Nasi Ayam, Tom Yam, Kuih Bakar, Agar-Agar, Kek Coklat. I swear I never produce anything brand special back then in Malaysia. Now and then I figured out that cooking is actually simple gilaaa and finally I can define perfectly what people mean about 'just campak-campak laa' .

That's how 'qudwah' she is in my life. I 've always put a wish that if someday should I given the trust to be a Murobbi, I want to be like her.

There's a few other people who I always adore and wish to be like them. Nadiah for her wisdom and self confidence, Sue for her hardworking and toughness, Paan for her well-disciplined. Everyone loves them like people love butterflies. Without saying anything they can attract people.

Sometimes I wonder if there's someone who adore me the same way. I wonder if I have at least someone whom I inspired. Who look at me and say 'I wan't to be like her,' the same way I look at Nadiah. Or 'this girl is a definition of survival' the way I define Sue. Yeah I know we have to be ourselves but you know what I mean. Or is it me being too thoughtful and expressive ?

I told people to be themselves is as simple as to be what Allah wants you to be. But it's actually harder than that. I guess I have grateful issues or a bad acceptance of myself. Most of the time my self esteem is very low. I'm not confident enough with my look. That is why I hate being in front of cameras so I always choose to be a BTS girl. I don't know wether 'expressiveness, talkative and friendly' hiding inside a person like me are good qualities or the opposite. I always found myself as an annoying person. People hate those who express too much, don't they ?

Maybe I should stop expressing things. Stop telling people how much I love them. Because not everyone really in need of your clingy confessions.

Blergh BUT HOW DO WE 'BE OURSELVES' TO BE EXACT ?

I should learn to be grateful and stop thinking I don't belong to myself.

Stop it right there.

So we have finished our semester break before the summer semester begins. I went to UK with my kakak. I swear it was a blast ! Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal. I've made a video on our trip. Here's the video if you would like to watch it. Jangan kata ukhti tak payongg.

Kakak's lips was terribly hurt and dry at that time so she couldn't smile that broad hahaha that's the funniest part I told her she looked like a hungry teacher. And there's me, trying to build up my self confidence with that pale face in front of the camera -.-

My friends went back to Malaysia. And some others choose to return after the summer semester.

"Kau tak balik Malaysia ke?" the FAQ .

"Tak kot. Huhu,"

"Kenapa kau tak balik weh?"

The second question is damn harder than Masorif Muasoroh I told ya. I can always go back to Malaysia if I want to. The money is there. The semester break is one month. But I'm already where I want to be. Here's my dream. To be faraway. It was the same answer to the question "Why did you choose this course?". I just don't want to be home. That's it. It's ridiculous that you can love something so hard, but avoiding it harder. I want to leave this dream soon knowing that I won't be getting back to it, so it's time to get back to the reality, it's time to get back home. They call it back for good.

Another one year . How time flies.

For I still can't define Eidd, Alhamdulillah for my improved Ramadhan.

Wassalam. Musirrah.