my last canvas

Bismillah.

I've been waiting for weeks to post this. There's a few drafts and I rejected them all because I found them too emotional haha. Abaikan. That was the time my depression came so I can't think harmoniously. Well this post might not be harmony either.

I'm making a hard decision then. Please do read till the end. This might be the last you'll have from me.

2016. It has been seven years since I first made my blogspot. Throughout this seven years, so much had happened. I love my blog link so much because I hate changes. I really hate changes.  I love things the way they are from the first place.

But the world changes. People change. Love changes. I keep telling myself that I don't have to change together. I thought I didn't, but in fact I have changed more than I expected.

Back then during my school days, I used to update my every happiness here on this cyber canvas. The school's sports day, gotong royong, classes farewell, graduation day, family outing, parents' anniversary. I swear those years were the best moments I've ever lived in. My biggest problem was just not able to be in the class that I longed for. Or a little fight with the boys on which team deserve to use the court for marching practice. Or hating my brother for teasing me ugly wearing shawls.

But 14 years old me has now turned 21. She is no longer living the same life. And at some phase of life, I came to realise that happiness is nothing but a fairy tale.

There's a point where I woke up and happiness is not there anymore.

My canvas turns ugly. My colourful brushes has gone. There's only tears left to sketch the reality.

Someone used to say to me back then, that blogs are not diaries. We write to give benefits to people. To inspire. To share knowledge.

I tried.

I tried so hard. I know, nobody ever want to read dramas.

I tried to inspire people. To be me.

But soon I realised that wasn't me. It's terribly faked.

I thought I didn't lose myself, in fact I've never meet 'her' anymore since the tragedy. Yes, that girl inside me who used to be happy, has actually gone.

It has been two years. And it hurts me every time I try to remember that she's no longer there. But there's another uninvited person hiding inside me. I don't really know her well, but most of the time she gets control of my mind and left bad effects.

Things happened, the previous semester was so bad, so I decided to take an M3 Assessment. I scored a high chance of suffering from mood disorder, depression and bipolar.

I regret that these past two years that I've revealed my broken parts too much to the world. I regret it that I have made wrong decision to trust people that they can heal me. I started to post things privately on Facebook. I think it's suppose to be a good thing not to let people know too much what's on your mind. I guess they're lying about the idea of sharing thoughts and supporting each other. But I wrote to IIUM Confessions and found so many people who wear the same shoes as me. Just maybe this is the best place for people like us to share. Somewhere free from the stigma of the society,

I think the time has come for me to shut the world out. 

For me to accept that normal people shouldn't be dragged into my depressed life 

Positive and inspiring people shouldn't be messed up by my negativity 

And that I should push them away

That they shouldn't be playing roles anymore in my dramas .

It's time to shut the world out. 

People don't have to know too much about me anymore 

Because at the moment I realised that I will never meet someone that can understand me

Never, because even me couldn't understand myself.

It's time to find a new definition of friendship.

Friendship may not anymore suitable for a definition of ;

'I've seen your best & your worst, and I choose both' 

How can they possibly do when the fact is they're not as broken as you ?

I'm sorry for everything. Thank you for reading my writings. Please pray for me. In a few weeks from now I will make this blog private. I can't say for how long. Just if God allows me to find happiness again, I will write back to the world.

May peace be upon you