once

If I were given a choice, I wouldn't do marriage again.
It's beautiful, but it's too tiring and exhausting.
I am willing to devote myself to any humanitarian mission etc
To fulfill myself and collect the continuous rewards for the hereafter
But I won't be doing marriage again
This current one is the only one, until death do us part.
Or until we're not strong enough to hold each other
God knows.

non-existed

Sometimes I wish I can tell my father how much he has ruined my life.
Because of his decision, I can't undo all the trauma towards men
Every single thing triggers me, and it took me years to pull myself together
I thought I've healed and forgotten how it feels,
But eventually, my body remembers everything.

On my weakest days, the thoughts stay close with me.
I don't want to be alive. Or more specifically, I want to non-exist.

Because of what you did, my whole worldview towards men changed
I know that this world consists of lots of trash men,
But it's devastating to realize at the age of 17, that my own father is one of them
No you're not a bad father towards me
I know that you have sacrificed a lot whatever
But what you did to your spouse,
somehow make my brain believe that that's how women are supposed to be treated
Make me believe that that's what you want for my life
And you won't stand by me if someone did the same to me

Sometimes when things trigger me so much
I wish you would've just discussed your marriage
And divorce her, instead of marrying someone else behind her
I would've respect you more if you did that

Now I have to deal with all this shit you left behind
And you expect us to treat you like nothing happened
I don't care about what you feel
You choose to bring me into this world, 
I didn't ask for this life, and I certainly am not thrilled to face this world
Now my husband wants a child,
Why would anyone wants their wife to hurt physically like that?
I don't even want to exist,
Give me a reason to bring another life into this world,
just to have let the person grow up and experience the same pain as me?

I am tired. 
I don't wanna die because I will definitely go to hell first based on my daily sins
I wish I never existed before. None of these bullshit. 

reminder

You'll be going to your former workplace tomorrow.

Just in case you start to feel emotional, here's a reminder for you.

The teachers are kind and great,
but they were your colleagues,
not your close friends.

The kids are cute and bright,
but they were your students,
not your children.
In a year from now,
they won't remember you anymore. 

The parents are nice and supportive,
but they are just your acquaintances 
You have served your role by teaching their children
And you are just one of the teachers
who has crossed path with their parenthood journey.

The experience are great
But that's not where you want to be

Regardless of all the memories,
The place you finished your master degree
The place you cried yourself
The place you danced and laughed
The place you regarded as an escapism,
You have no reason to stay
You are not growing if you stay there
Your time has passed.

No attachment
Just memories, experience and lessons.

You have done great
You had been a great kindergarten teacher,
You were a great employee despite all your personal struggles,
and I'm proud of you.

That is all that matter.
Now focus on what you need to focus on.

Remember,
Keep going.

Just grow where you are planted.
Love and be proud of your growth,
because someday you'll be planted elsewhere,
and continue growing.

240122
1155PM
Seri Kembangan

void, anxiety

 

Maybe there's a void inside me that actually explains this feeling, like I'm not ready to start a little family of my own. Not ready to become a mother. Not ready to devote myself to someone whom I'm uncertain if they're worth it or not. Or maybe it's my past trauma that shaped me to be who I am right now. Maybe I'm too scared to have a child, knowing that one day they'll be broken too, or they'll be the one who break others. Perhaps I'm running away from any possibilities of suffering anyone might have to encounter. Maybe I'm too scared to face the day when my child say "Why was I born into this world? I shouldn't have been born. I shouldn't exist" Why would we want to create something that'll suffer like us one day. 

If I were given a choice, I hope I was never born into this world. No existence, no pain, no sins, nothing. 

Maybe it was my whole existence that I can't make peace with, that makes me wonder the purpose of me bringing another life into this cruel world. Or the anxiety that they'll someday be a part of the darkness and cruelty too. 

752PM

180122

Putrajaya 

just another year

Hey. 

It's 2022. 

I will turn 27 this  year. 

Honestly, I don't even have the energy or mental capacity to write anything. Every phases of life has its own hardship, yes, but unlike the days I was younger, I guess I do not have the same brain now. But I still try my best to write this so that when someday I have forgotten how being 27 feels like, I can read this again and feel proud of myself. Hopefully. 

I went to therapy. I don't know if it was helpful or not. Therapy is tiring and painful. I begin to understand why people choose to quit. It's easier to stay paralyze and succumb to this pain, then having to stand up and step on the broken pieces of memories and unexplainable emotions. 

I'm on a halt from social medias. I can't seem to write anything or speak my mind. I've been trying, to post pictures, stories, to like. But that world is so overwhelming. There are too many people in the room, and I am anxious to posting anything. I am anxious of the unread messages, of what people will comment. I feel disappointed of myself when seeing my friends updating their life. I just can't do it anymore. I wish I have the strength and ideas to post about my loved ones. I just want them to know that even if I don't really post anything about them online, I really enjoyed our times together.

I can't see where my future is. What if, I'm not destined to have any career at all? What if I can't actually do anything at all. Sometimes I hate my brain and my body. I hate that my brain decides if something is interesting or not without my consent. 

Or maybe I really am a failure in life. Maybe I can't excel at all at anything. Maybe I shouldn't actually got married and become someone's wife if I knew I can't even feed myself or wash some plates. 

I do not know how to get out from this self hate and gaslighting. 

There are days when my brain are like fireworks, sparkling with ideas, confidence and wisdom, shining like a starry night. Those are the days I appreciate myself and feel like I can go far in life. But there are also days when my brain is like an empty street with no lamppost. Those are days I feel like living in a void. Nothing is meaningful. Nothing to look forward to.

I tried my best to enjoy this life. Hang out with people, talk to friends, try uploading something online, try going on a road trip, try spending time with husband. But all I feel is... nothing, except exhaustion. It's like my brain have to do everything with 5% battery left, and when I put it on charging, it never charges. It's broken. It stays at 5% every single day. 

I really wish I can end this in some way. 

I hope I can just disappear. Become dust. Forsaken. Never exist.

That sounds easier than going to therapy.