just another year

Hey. 

It's 2022. 

I will turn 27 this  year. 

Honestly, I don't even have the energy or mental capacity to write anything. Every phases of life has its own hardship, yes, but unlike the days I was younger, I guess I do not have the same brain now. But I still try my best to write this so that when someday I have forgotten how being 27 feels like, I can read this again and feel proud of myself. Hopefully. 

I went to therapy. I don't know if it was helpful or not. Therapy is tiring and painful. I begin to understand why people choose to quit. It's easier to stay paralyze and succumb to this pain, then having to stand up and step on the broken pieces of memories and unexplainable emotions. 

I'm on a halt from social medias. I can't seem to write anything or speak my mind. I've been trying, to post pictures, stories, to like. But that world is so overwhelming. There are too many people in the room, and I am anxious to posting anything. I am anxious of the unread messages, of what people will comment. I feel disappointed of myself when seeing my friends updating their life. I just can't do it anymore. I wish I have the strength and ideas to post about my loved ones. I just want them to know that even if I don't really post anything about them online, I really enjoyed our times together.

I can't see where my future is. What if, I'm not destined to have any career at all? What if I can't actually do anything at all. Sometimes I hate my brain and my body. I hate that my brain decides if something is interesting or not without my consent. 

Or maybe I really am a failure in life. Maybe I can't excel at all at anything. Maybe I shouldn't actually got married and become someone's wife if I knew I can't even feed myself or wash some plates. 

I do not know how to get out from this self hate and gaslighting. 

There are days when my brain are like fireworks, sparkling with ideas, confidence and wisdom, shining like a starry night. Those are the days I appreciate myself and feel like I can go far in life. But there are also days when my brain is like an empty street with no lamppost. Those are days I feel like living in a void. Nothing is meaningful. Nothing to look forward to.

I tried my best to enjoy this life. Hang out with people, talk to friends, try uploading something online, try going on a road trip, try spending time with husband. But all I feel is... nothing, except exhaustion. It's like my brain have to do everything with 5% battery left, and when I put it on charging, it never charges. It's broken. It stays at 5% every single day. 

I really wish I can end this in some way. 

I hope I can just disappear. Become dust. Forsaken. Never exist.

That sounds easier than going to therapy.