Paralyse

Dear God,

I am currently struggling with my life, with my whole existence. Everything seems like a massive, endless struggle. From the moment I open my eyes in the morning, until I close them back at night- which sometimes they won't close at all due to my trouble sleeping. Life is hard. 

Sometimes I wonder if we will forever struggle financially. Will there be a day when I don't have to worry about money anymore? Will the day come when I can give money to my parents and his parents without any worries? 

I'm a girl full of plans, dreams and ambitions. I know exactly what I want in life. I know exactly how to achieve them. I know exactly what I'm capable of. But dear God, I'm paralyse. My mind does not let me move, my body feels so heavy and sore when I'm trying to get some work done, sometimes it feels like my brain is my own enemy. It does not let me move, it doesn't let me achieve for what I want. It has always been this way. Am I useless, or am I just.. born different?

I want to be close to you again. But it feels so hard to do so, alone. I want to recite doa after every prayer, I want to do zikir and read the Qur'an again. I want to feel alive again. 

Dear God,

I am stuck. I do not know where to go. I am exhausted, mentally and physically. This feeling is so overwhelming. Sometimes I wish to have the life of my friends- who are able to grow in their career, who own houses and gain passive income, who have cute little children because they- can afford to have children, who are always close to You, able to be consistent in their amal fardi. But here I am, stuck in a workplace which doesn't give me enough money to live or enough place to grow. Here I am, struggling to pay my house rent using some of my retirement money left. Let alone to have a child.

I am lost. No music can fill my heart, no songs can make me feel empowered, no lectures or motivational talks can help me defeat my brain and unexplainable mental paralysis. I really wish that there's a pill for this overwhelming life, that can wash away all the chaos in my heart and mind. That can bring me to life again. I have died, before my heart stops beating. 

Dear God,

Have You forsaken me? 

1:20AM
091121
Seri Kembangan