bits of our childhood

As I have been spending time with dad few months back, we had a few conversations, which, growing up, I never thought we'll have. He told brief stories on how his siblings grew up with a strict father, who were rarely present in their life. Same goes to when mom started opening up about those days she got locked up in the house and forbidden to sit for STPM.

I remember bits of my childhood, growing up with my parents. But I just realised I never really know my parents' childhood, their trauma, and all the pain they went through in their lives when they were younger. 

They started their own family at a very young age, separated from their kins, especially mom. We siblings never had the opportunities to see modelling of treatments towards parents, as they never had the chance to care for their own parents. They were learning how to raise kids when they, themselves, were still kids. I never knew the struggles they went through with their parents, and the heartbreak they have endured in trying their best to break this cycle- even it did not seem so perfect, in fact, still chaotic.

"Ummi looks like she's trying to adapt with the responsibility of taking care of a mother, as we start to visit Amacee more frequently this year. I just realised that Abang, Kakak, and I did not grow up seeing you and Ummi taking care of your own parents, and that makes so much sense that we are trying to learn it by ourselves now as adults,". It was two o'clock in the morning in Mak Lang's house. I was lying down on the sofa bed, and dad was sitting on a chair of the dining table nearby. 

"Yeah. We were really poor, and we could not afford to visit and take care of our parents. That did not include the family conflict between Ummi and Amacee, as well as me and your Tokwan." he replied after a pause, and continued;

"My siblings feel the presence of father figure from me as their eldest brother. Our relationship actually became better after your Tokwan passed away. And as a father, I tried my best not to raise my children the way your Tokwan raised us. That's why, even though our family ended up being separated, I am glad, I feel that I have given so much love while raising you and your siblings."

"Compared to what you received when you were a child?" I asked.

"Compared to what I have received as a child,"

His answer left me to think. It's interesting how adulting brings my perspectives in different places in life. I just realised that I messed up so bad too, but I have been continuing their journey of breaking whatever sort of generational curse we had. We are generations who learned from so much mistakes and wrong turns, painful separations, and finally found our way to at least do something better in the future. 

Even all the work we have done and all the efforts did not manifest itself in the best way externally, only God knows the internal scars and battle we have gone through to gradually break this cycle in our own generation.

"I am glad we had this conversation"

 

Oh Allah, I don't want to pass this down to my future children. I hope in the future, when You wills for me to have a family of my own, there won't be much left to be healed, and we will be blessed with a life full of peace and love, free of pain and sufferings.

Count this as the weight of our good deeds and acts of worship, ya Allah. Forgive me and my parents. Have mercy on them as how they have treated my with mercy when I was a little child. 

12:01am
081224
Dengkil, Selangor. 


Background music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TlZ7j7DlU4I