relapse

Crazy how I did not notice the layers of mask has been gradually adding on my face.

Heyy how've you been? Great! Alright, get to it. What's wrong with you?? I care for you! Am I talking too much? I really appreciate you sharing this with me. It's our job to care. Yeah inshaAllah I'll be there. Do not forget the practice! I am sorry, but what the hell?? Awhhh thank you so much for your support, I don't know what do I do without you. May Allah reward you. Yeah I'll send that email shortly. Dear Ms, please find the attached plan. May I have the opportunity to get to know you better? I hear you, and I respect your stance. Sorry Dr., I am at work now. Trying my best. No worries, I can come. I can help with that. I'll come up with a plan. I'll settle it by this week. Come over! We should chill together at my house. I can't get up from the bed and bring myself to shower. Screw it, I'll just go to school like this. Who cares. I smelled so bad, urgh. I really need to wash my hair, its getting more dry now. Why didn't I do more this Ramadan? I literally don't work much on my Quran reading and additional prayers. Ypu guys did a very good job! I'm proud of you! I'll come visit on Sunday inshaAllah. Sorry I did not call you. I was at the hospital the whole day. Please check the cover work as posted in Teams.

'Relapse- grief stage: acceptance. Please provide Resperidol, we are unable to provide due to technical issues.' HSIS, 20/03/2025

Disscociated from the surrounding, crashed on the floor, staring into the empty walls. Psychosomatic symtoms taking place. Mentally paralysed. At the moment I noticed the mask, it fell off when mom is around. Just me and her. 

2:22AM
210325
Kota Damansara

agent under training brb

Unofficially 30 :) Umrah trip felt like a beautiful dream I wish I was not awaken from. January started off a bit harsh. A lot of resolution, but kinda clueless on how to.... 

👀

How to....?

That was supposed to be my so-called New Year Resolution post lolz. Guess what. It's February 2025, and man, by the grace of Allah already so many good things happened! Alhamdulillah. 

We should have a different post just for our gratitude, and then our little home journey. But I want to be able to let go of the perfection and expectations towards myself, of wanting a perfect writing vibe whatsoever because ain't no way real life is like that. Gotta stay on the ground and focus on the objective of journaling at the first place. To dump, right? Sometimes you get an inspiring main character moment when you can arrange your thoughts beautifully, but some days when it's messy, it's okay. It has it's own beauty in it. The beauty of us showing up for ourselves even on days we have no idea what the hell is going on or where to start. 

So, we finally moved in the new house alhamdulillah!! Let's be excited and proud for this. Allah has made it easy. Like, literally, He has blessed me in every step I'm not exaggerating at all subhanallah. Starting from the house viewing last August. You know what, let me actually draw the timeline.

I'll post that later. Talking about perfectionism uhh 😂

Anyway, school is just 5 minutes away, and I can leave house at 730am can you imagine that? Qadarullahu ma sha'a fa'aluh :) All because of who He is, nothing about me at all. And for that, I am forever grateful. It's a bit weird, having to do things on my own now that Ummi is not around to baby me anymore. I would need some time to adapt, and imma giving myself that. Today I cooked rice, like for the first time in two years and I have mixed feeling about that. Realising that I have managed to stand on my own feet and how far I have come, it's bittersweet. 

I have my own house you guys! Praise be to Allah. 

This post is supposed to be published on 13th Feb.