losing grip

I guess, loneliness is inevitable at this age, no matter how many right people you have in your life, no matter how lively your job is, or how much access to entertainment that you have. TV shows, movies, songs, music. None of those can make me feel alive again. 

I used to face this identity and existential when I was young. But when we were young, we were full of enthusiasm. We have goals and lots of people around to keep reminding us when we went astray. The goal is to finish studies within four years, to excel in volunteerism within the timeline, to make that program succeed, to finish that task within the deadline, to join scheduled religious routine, to study for the exams which are coming in two weeks. We have friends, seniors, lecturers and activists to slap us in the face with motivation every single moment. Everything was tiring and confusing, but they were reachable, clear, unlike what we are facing in adulthood.

Adulthood, on the other hand, is full of uncertainties. Sometimes I feel like it is the only thing that can describe this phase. What is the duration of your current job? When will you move to the next job with a better pay? When will you have a baby? What are the routines of your ibadah? How many times should you join any motivational talks or religious discussion in a month? What is the new knowledge that you have gained? Your goals are not scheduled, your aims are not supervised, your knowledge is not challenged or tested, your purpose of this life is not being reminded by anyone anymore.

You're now all on your own. 

And it is really challenging. Especially when you are not an organised person at all. Now you have to organised a schedule for yourself, for every single thing in your life. 

My husband has rent a house for both of us. We have beautiful home now. The one that I have been imagining all this time. I have moved on from my past memories and settle for those who actually matters. I have finished my master degree. We have better financial status than we used to have three years ago. Husband's recovery journey is improving. He has not harmed himself for more than a year. My job is doing great, I got better at handling little kids. 

Life is perfect. 

But feels empty. 

Losing grip of who you used to be is so overwhelming. It feels empty not to be a person who read Qur'an everyday, who don't read books anymore, who don't recite maathurat, or listen to any religious talk, or stay on the prayer mat to recite 10 minutes personal do'a. It's like the life I knew is over, and it's so hard to crawl back to that normality and schedule them by myself with no supervision and motivation.

Oh Allah. I do not mean to be an ungrateful servant. It is just I am so bad at time management and self discipline. It has been one of the biggest struggle and mujahadah in my life. Forgive me for being a failure, stumble all the time. I do not like this feeling of being far from You at all. But I do not know how to pull myself and get out of this.

Help me.

6:04PM
090521
Seri Kembangan.