Allah is kind to His servants

 

These seven days at new workplace, you did great.

Really, you were so cool. 

You should see yourself in the morning,

trying new fashion styles to look more approachable at school.

Experimenting with discomfort, finding the best way to cover your aurah.

You spent time to attend your mom through her struggles,

made efforts to fix your prayer routine despite the uneasy feeling of guilt,

and practiced thanking Him for every little blessings.

I adore you.

I adore the way you drove to school while putting your favourite nasyeeds on play,

enjoying great and respectful conversations with your sister.

The way you always made it on time and constantly put effort to reach work earlier.

I adore the way you waved at the guard and smiled as you reached the school gate, 

greeted the cleaning staffs and made their day with your kind words.

You took your time slowly as you walked upstairs despite the anxiety rush.

I like the way you giggled as you made silly mistakes, asking dumb questions, 

and not feeling ashamed anymore the next second.

You sat in the discomfort, and went on with your life. 

You carefully planned your day ahead.

Your work was done in the allocated time and you overcame the overwhelming feelings from all the emails and notifications,

employee's update forms from the HR, safeguarding courses reminder from Jasmine,

as Brenda's and Irman's emails coming in about teaching and learning. 

You read them all, calmly, and you did what was assigned, accordingly. 

I adore the way you carry yourself around your new colleagues,

the way you cracked a simple joke and read the room very carefully.

You looked so cool when you spoke to the expats,

yet so humble and approachable when you talked to fellow locals.

Shini said you seem so bubbly and charismatic and the kids are going to like you,

Bella told you she's proud of you for being able to carry this subject,

and Raj was amazed by your thoughts during the PlussVibe session last Monday regarding mental health.

I adore the way you casually sit with Eline while waiting for Brenda,

you suddenly had a nice conversation as a new comer with someone important from the main office.

You were so confident when you proposed your idea to Irman,

checking his availability to make sure he allocated time for you,

carefully explained your confusion and needs, 

professionally dropped an email to ensure written proof is documented. 

You. were. so. cool. 

The curriculum? They were amazing. No one has ever done that before, you do realise that? 

Very well written, clear and organised, fresh idea. 

I adore us so much, so much that I want to pray out of gratefulness all the time. 

Allah has blessed us. Allah has blessed us. Always. All these time. 

He gives us a very nice office and officemates, who are sweet and nice. I'm comfortable with them during conversation and even in silence. The office is next to library, surau, toilet, the classrooms. Staff lounge is amazing, we even fell asleep there twice. 

 ٱللَّهُ لَطِيفٌۢ بِعِبَادِهِۦ يَرْزُقُ مَن يَشَآءُ ۖ وَهُوَ ٱلْقَوِىُّ ٱلْعَزِيزُ

"Allah is kind to His servants. He gives sustenance to whom He pleases, 

and He is the All-Powerful, the All-Mighty."
[Ash-Shūrā, 42:19] 

I just recently realised how I never journal when I'm feeling happy and great, or when I accomplished something. Perhaps this is the time to practice something new, as we get good at what we practice :)

The students are going to return to school tomorrow. I am so excited but so nervous. But I know we're going to make a lot of mistakes and learn a lot of lessons from them. 

Thank you Allah for the endless blessings in this career. 

200824

8:02PM

Dengkil.

A long lost note

Found this somewhere in my writing today.

Hi there. How are you? Hope you’re doing good. 

I am doing okay. It’s just some day I feel like I can’t wait to meet you and be in love.

I have learnt to celebrate my strength and focus on my worth.

But I am just a human. I have to admit that I long for you.

I long for your gaze. I long for your touch. I long for a nice prayer time with you,

and good discussions about our religion.

I am trying my best to make myself worthy of you.

I hope you’re worth the wait too.

Whoever you are, may Allah bless and ease you in your affairs now.

I am waiting for the day when Allah’s decree finally let us meet,

And I get to have everything I’ve been wanting for so long

In a halal and dignified way. 

Ya Allah ease this path for me. 

11:12pm
110524

Let's take a long deep breath. 
It's okay. New school starts next week.
Thank you Allah for a great loving family, stable career and study, great friends. 

الحد لله

belong

Being a child of a mixed marriage, I always don't feel belong as I grow older in the society. Specifically now, in finding a life partner or a spouse. I am not Malay enough for the Malay families, and I am not Indian enough for the Indian families. There were men of other races interested in me, but they're often the non-Muslims. They don't wanna build a family, they just want extracurricular activities and probably get their ego fed by befriending a Muslim woman like me, maybe some sort of challenge if they can break through the firm boundaries I exert. 

Men who came into my life did not want to deal with a lot of baggage, the easier to handle and navigate, the better, I guess. (I know it's just my cognitive distortion, but hey give me a break, this is a place of no judgement)

They just enjoy the nice conversations, and quickly define it as love. As soon as they have to deal with the reality, they vanish in thin air.

Men who wants to build a family with me are only those who with greater baggage than me and unable to carry theirs well. I ended up carrying three baggage, mine, theirs, and ours that was subconsciously created till I have to let everything go.

All of these things I mentioned, it's not like I knew a lot of men in my life!

I used to think I am hard to love. The wrong people made me felt that way while I have so much to offer and so much love to give. I'm as vast as an ocean and they did not have what it takes to receive what I have to offer. 

I am that woman who smiles at strangers, waved at babies, prays for emergency vehicles, talk kindly to waiters, emotionally available for her young students, appreciative towards her colleagues, find comfortable chair for her pregnant friend, loved by the their toddlers. A woman who hugs her mother tightly and kiss her hands and forehead after jama'ah prayer, share religious tazkirah with her sisters, drive her blind father around, care for her stepmother and aunties, loves decorating a home and dressing up nicely, pursue self-growth in all aspects.

I can carry my own baggage. I don't need you to carry it for me. Just sometimes I will put it down and rest till I figure out more efficient way, I hope you wanna wait for me there and be with me. And there are gonna be a baggage that we have to carry together as a small family, we can work it out on the mechanism. Like, we can build a trolley to ease our way, right? 

I know good men still exist. I just don't know if Allah will blessed me with one or not in this dunya.

A man who is mature enough to lead a difficult conversation and provide me a safe space to give out my thoughts. A man who wants to build a family with me because I'm a person worth spending his whole life with, not because I benefit him in some superficial way. A man who is actually attracted to me, wants to touch me as his beloved beautiful halal wife as an act of worship towards his God, not just as a tool for getting children and build his legacy or individual pleasure. A man who wants to provide for me because he's happy to please Allah by doing it. 

The longing hurts sometimes, but I know there's nothing I can do to escalate it.

Perhaps my Zauj is destined for me in the hereafter, where eternal love exist.
Until then, may Allah rewards my patience and compensate this tribulation with abundance of khayr. 

7:44pm
01082024
Dengkil

you are allowed to

you are allowed to miss the reactions your body had
the sensations that addicted your brain
you are allowed to cry and shed tears while feeling the withdrawal 
it doesn't mean you want bad moments to happen again, or justifying them
it simply means your body is adapting to the changes
and your brain is wiring new neurons to replace the old ones

tell Allah about it, He'll never punish you for it
you have submit your soul to this religion,
left what He displeased with, and His promises are true;
you will be compensated with goodness in this world and the hereafter

probably not in a way we imagine or want, He knows best.
it might be a beautiful marriage, or even a beautiful death
both are pleasing to Him, and calming you from the evil of this dunya

till the time comes, He will always protect you 
you are allowed to cry to Him, and talk about you longing a companionship, 
longing for a connection and romance.
it's rizq from Him, and it's His decision whether you will be choosen
for the test and responsibility which come alongside the pleasure and serenity
either way, His promises are always true,
and He will never punish you for the way He has created you.

You are not perfect, but that is how He has created you in perfection as you should be.

Let the tears running, dear. 
And we'll keep going. 

11:53PM
01082024
Dengkil.