belong

Being a child of a mixed marriage, I always don't feel belong as I grow older in the society. Specifically now, in finding a life partner or a spouse. I am not Malay enough for the Malay families, and I am not Indian enough for the Indian families. There were men of other races interested in me, but they're often the non-Muslims. They don't wanna build a family, they just want extracurricular activities and probably get their ego fed by befriending a Muslim woman like me, maybe some sort of challenge if they can break through the firm boundaries I exert. 

Men who came into my life did not want to deal with a lot of baggage, the easier to handle and navigate, the better, I guess. (I know it's just my cognitive distortion, but hey give me a break, this is a place of no judgement)

They just enjoy the nice conversations, and quickly define it as love. As soon as they have to deal with the reality, they vanish in thin air.

Men who wants to build a family with me are only those who with greater baggage than me and unable to carry theirs well. I ended up carrying three baggage, mine, theirs, and ours that was subconsciously created till I have to let everything go.

All of these things I mentioned, it's not like I knew a lot of men in my life!

I used to think I am hard to love. The wrong people made me felt that way while I have so much to offer and so much love to give. I'm as vast as an ocean and they did not have what it takes to receive what I have to offer. 

I am that woman who smiles at strangers, waved at babies, prays for emergency vehicles, talk kindly to waiters, emotionally available for her young students, appreciative towards her colleagues, find comfortable chair for her pregnant friend, loved by the their toddlers. A woman who hugs her mother tightly and kiss her hands and forehead after jama'ah prayer, share religious tazkirah with her sisters, drive her blind father around, care for her stepmother and aunties, loves decorating a home and dressing up nicely, pursue self-growth in all aspects.

I can carry my own baggage. I don't need you to carry it for me. Just sometimes I will put it down and rest till I figure out more efficient way, I hope you wanna wait for me there and be with me. And there are gonna be a baggage that we have to carry together as a small family, we can work it out on the mechanism. Like, we can build a trolley to ease our way, right? 

I know good men still exist. I just don't know if Allah will blessed me with one or not in this dunya.

A man who is mature enough to lead a difficult conversation and provide me a safe space to give out my thoughts. A man who wants to build a family with me because I'm a person worth spending his whole life with, not because I benefit him in some superficial way. A man who is actually attracted to me, wants to touch me as his beloved beautiful halal wife as an act of worship towards his God, not just as a tool for getting children and build his legacy or individual pleasure. A man who wants to provide for me because he's happy to please Allah by doing it. 

The longing hurts sometimes, but I know there's nothing I can do to escalate it.

Perhaps my Zauj is destined for me in the hereafter, where eternal love exist.
Until then, may Allah rewards my patience and compensate this tribulation with abundance of khayr. 

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