you are allowed to

you are allowed to miss the reactions your body had
the sensations that addicted your brain
you are allowed to cry and shed tears while feeling the withdrawal 
it doesn't mean you want bad moments to happen again, or justifying them
it simply means your body is adapting to the changes
and your brain is wiring new neurons to replace the old ones

tell Allah about it, He'll never punish you for it
you have submit your soul to this religion,
left what He displeased with, and His promises are true;
you will be compensated with goodness in this world and the hereafter

probably not in a way we imagine or want, He knows best.
it might be a beautiful marriage, or even a beautiful death
both are pleasing to Him, and calming you from the evil of this dunya

till the time comes, He will always protect you 
you are allowed to cry to Him, and talk about you longing a companionship, 
longing for a connection and romance.
it's rizq from Him, and it's His decision whether you will be choosen
for the test and responsibility which come alongside the pleasure and serenity
either way, His promises are always true,
and He will never punish you for the way He has created you.

You are not perfect, but that is how He has created you in perfection as you should be.

Let the tears running, dear. 
And we'll keep going. 

11:53PM
01082024
Dengkil.