qalban shaakira

A grateful heart - one of the biggest blessing you could have in this world. Life is already hard as it is supposed to be, but it's hell to go through without a grateful heart.

Qalban shaakira, a heart that is always thankful of His blessings. More precisely, a heart that is able to see blessings through the hardship and calamities, and be thankful for it. Or even it fails to see the the silver lining, it still believes without a doubt that there is not a single loophole in His plans ever, and so the heart is grateful for that- for everything that it gets or does not get. 

We can utter so much about believing in Allah, but only the heart can feel the sweetness of it. 

The peace. 

The acceptance.

The contentment. 

For the car and ability to maintain it, using it to visit our dad, aunties, brother, sister in-law, nephew and nieces. To be at their service and run errands for them, seek advise and spend time together after reconciled- the peace in the relationship we have right now after long years of unsettled chaos in the family. The safe journey back and forth to work and returning home. Anything fatal could have happen if He wills, but nothing ever did. Thank you Allah for the protection on the days that we drive in a half-awake state. Exhausted and tired. You always keep us safe on the road. 

For the comfy home with mom and our sisters. The difficult conversations and the misunderstandings, but the religious reminders and congregational prayers, crazy stories about schools, hysterical laugh and silly acts, the funny faces we make, the jokes and teasing, the home cooked meal. It's the life we have been wishing since we were a little girl. We are growing such a strong bond with our family throughout this year. Thank you Allah for the love and compassion You bestowed upon your slaves. We own nothing, not even our minds and hearts. If it's not Your mercy, our hearts will continue to divide.

For the good friends and companies we have. The kind people who keep coming in our life and assist our way, guiding us, and making life a little more colourful. Sending us funny memes and stickers, checking on us if we're doing good since we stayed away from social medias. Those who always remind us of Allah, to take care of ourselves, who stay on rainy days to cry together and celebrate the sunny days with happiness and love. 

For the job of teaching Your religion to the children and young ummah of the Prophet (peace be upon him). The highest honour we do not deserve as a sinner that we are, but Allah grants us with it as He is the God who loves to give and forgive. He has chosen us as the mediator and the intercessor. Our presence are a part of the sustenance bestowed upon the children in acquiring the knowledge about Allah and His religion, His messenger sallallahu 'alaihi wa sallam, and the salafus soleh. Our job carry such honourable responsibilities, and He knows we are capable of it. We could not be more blessed than this. And which of the favour of your Lord will you deny? 

For the unique abilities, profound qualities, and strong characteristics we manifest. The modesty in dressing and guarding our chastity- we once went through the darkest days where we lost the way, but He found us lost and guided us. The resilience in holding on to our faith and practicing our religion, the willpower to bounce back and work on our mind and soul after the hard fall, the terrible crash. He never left. Not once. He guided us through and borrowed us the strength. He granted us patience to fight our nafs and break the chain of transgression. 

Now we are stable, stronger than ever under His will. The strong social skills and boundaries we manifest at workplace, the boldness and courage in our way of writing and sending those emails, requesting those meetings, and commenting on unresolved issues. Criticism on the mistakes were not taken personally, people's unnecessary rudeness and judgement was shoved off, anxiety phases were well managed. Concurrently, the warmth we show to our colleagues and students, the interesting and engaging lessons we run, the jokes we cracked which made everyone laughs, the awkward moments we embraced and let go. We did not carry the burden in our mind for two weeks. Everyday is a new day. It felt.. liberating. It really does. Alhamdulillah. 

وهبتني لسانا ذاكرا

وقلبا شاكرا يا خالقي

You have blessed me

With a mindful tongue that remembers You

And with a heart that is grateful to You

Oh, my Creator

230924
0116AM
Dengkil.

Lau Kana Bainana

In the end, everyone loves the same God and Prophet-
No matter how much they hurt each other and fight among themselves
or sinned beyond societal redemption, moving to a wrong direction from the choice point,
still, we all long for the same peaceful life and 'aafiyah, with or without each other in this worldly life.

The Prophet peace be upon him
Even if he's with us in this era, there's no guarantee that we will be following him,
we could be the ones questioning and disputing, God forbids.
Thus, we are exactly where we should be, in this era, at this very moment,
blessed with iman and Islam despite being apart from him more than 1400 years.

We are his dearest ikhwan- brothers and sisters in faith- the ones he's been longing to meet,
who came later in the civilisation of Islam, believing in him without even seeing him once.
Holding on to his teachings as hard as it gets in this modern world.

But if, just if he's here with me, even for a few seconds,
I wish I could cry my heart out and tell him how much I long to rest,
from the evil, the darkness, and the sadness of this dunya.
That I have been trying really hard and I know Allah has never forsaken me.
I get it- why he prays until his feet were swollen just to thank Allah for His bounties,
for Allah is the Most Kind and Merciful towards His servants.

Oh Rasulullah, 
I hope to see you one day as I return to our Lord with this soul
which I have never stopped to purify and redeem after each wrong turn.
You are my teacher and guider in this life- and for that, I am blessed.


Thank you Allah. 

11:03PM
160924
Dengkil

Allah is kind to His servants

 

These seven days at new workplace, you did great.

Really, you were so cool. 

You should see yourself in the morning,

trying new fashion styles to look more approachable at school.

Experimenting with discomfort, finding the best way to cover your aurah.

You spent time to attend your mom through her struggles,

made efforts to fix your prayer routine despite the uneasy feeling of guilt,

and practiced thanking Him for every little blessings.

I adore you.

I adore the way you drove to school while putting your favourite nasyeeds on play,

enjoying great and respectful conversations with your sister.

The way you always made it on time and constantly put effort to reach work earlier.

I adore the way you waved at the guard and smiled as you reached the school gate, 

greeted the cleaning staffs and made their day with your kind words.

You took your time slowly as you walked upstairs despite the anxiety rush.

I like the way you giggled as you made silly mistakes, asking dumb questions, 

and not feeling ashamed anymore the next second.

You sat in the discomfort, and went on with your life. 

You carefully planned your day ahead.

Your work was done in the allocated time and you overcame the overwhelming feelings from all the emails and notifications,

employee's update forms from the HR, safeguarding courses reminder from Jasmine,

as Brenda's and Irman's emails coming in about teaching and learning. 

You read them all, calmly, and you did what was assigned, accordingly. 

I adore the way you carry yourself around your new colleagues,

the way you cracked a simple joke and read the room very carefully.

You looked so cool when you spoke to the expats,

yet so humble and approachable when you talked to fellow locals.

Shini said you seem so bubbly and charismatic and the kids are going to like you,

Bella told you she's proud of you for being able to carry this subject,

and Raj was amazed by your thoughts during the PlussVibe session last Monday regarding mental health.

I adore the way you casually sit with Eline while waiting for Brenda,

you suddenly had a nice conversation as a new comer with someone important from the main office.

You were so confident when you proposed your idea to Irman,

checking his availability to make sure he allocated time for you,

carefully explained your confusion and needs, 

professionally dropped an email to ensure written proof is documented. 

You. were. so. cool. 

The curriculum? They were amazing. No one has ever done that before, you do realise that? 

Very well written, clear and organised, fresh idea. 

I adore us so much, so much that I want to pray out of gratefulness all the time. 

Allah has blessed us. Allah has blessed us. Always. All these time. 

He gives us a very nice office and officemates, who are sweet and nice. I'm comfortable with them during conversation and even in silence. The office is next to library, surau, toilet, the classrooms. Staff lounge is amazing, we even fell asleep there twice. 

 ٱللَّهُ لَطِيفٌۢ بِعِبَادِهِۦ يَرْزُقُ مَن يَشَآءُ ۖ وَهُوَ ٱلْقَوِىُّ ٱلْعَزِيزُ

"Allah is kind to His servants. He gives sustenance to whom He pleases, 

and He is the All-Powerful, the All-Mighty."
[Ash-Shūrā, 42:19] 

I just recently realised how I never journal when I'm feeling happy and great, or when I accomplished something. Perhaps this is the time to practice something new, as we get good at what we practice :)

The students are going to return to school tomorrow. I am so excited but so nervous. But I know we're going to make a lot of mistakes and learn a lot of lessons from them. 

Thank you Allah for the endless blessings in this career. 

200824

8:02PM

Dengkil.

A long lost note

Found this somewhere in my writing today.

Hi there. How are you? Hope you’re doing good. 

I am doing okay. It’s just some day I feel like I can’t wait to meet you and be in love.

I have learnt to celebrate my strength and focus on my worth.

But I am just a human. I have to admit that I long for you.

I long for your gaze. I long for your touch. I long for a nice prayer time with you,

and good discussions about our religion.

I am trying my best to make myself worthy of you.

I hope you’re worth the wait too.

Whoever you are, may Allah bless and ease you in your affairs now.

I am waiting for the day when Allah’s decree finally let us meet,

And I get to have everything I’ve been wanting for so long

In a halal and dignified way. 

Ya Allah ease this path for me. 

11:12pm
110524

Let's take a long deep breath. 
It's okay. New school starts next week.
Thank you Allah for a great loving family, stable career and study, great friends. 

الحد لله

belong

Being a child of a mixed marriage, I always don't feel belong as I grow older in the society. Specifically now, in finding a life partner or a spouse. I am not Malay enough for the Malay families, and I am not Indian enough for the Indian families. There were men of other races interested in me, but they're often the non-Muslims. They don't wanna build a family, they just want extracurricular activities and probably get their ego fed by befriending a Muslim woman like me, maybe some sort of challenge if they can break through the firm boundaries I exert. 

Men who came into my life did not want to deal with a lot of baggage, the easier to handle and navigate, the better, I guess. (I know it's just my cognitive distortion, but hey give me a break, this is a place of no judgement)

They just enjoy the nice conversations, and quickly define it as love. As soon as they have to deal with the reality, they vanish in thin air.

Men who wants to build a family with me are only those who with greater baggage than me and unable to carry theirs well. I ended up carrying three baggage, mine, theirs, and ours that was subconsciously created till I have to let everything go.

All of these things I mentioned, it's not like I knew a lot of men in my life!

I used to think I am hard to love. The wrong people made me felt that way while I have so much to offer and so much love to give. I'm as vast as an ocean and they did not have what it takes to receive what I have to offer. 

I am that woman who smiles at strangers, waved at babies, prays for emergency vehicles, talk kindly to waiters, emotionally available for her young students, appreciative towards her colleagues, find comfortable chair for her pregnant friend, loved by the their toddlers. A woman who hugs her mother tightly and kiss her hands and forehead after jama'ah prayer, share religious tazkirah with her sisters, drive her blind father around, care for her stepmother and aunties, loves decorating a home and dressing up nicely, pursue self-growth in all aspects.

I can carry my own baggage. I don't need you to carry it for me. Just sometimes I will put it down and rest till I figure out more efficient way, I hope you wanna wait for me there and be with me. And there are gonna be a baggage that we have to carry together as a small family, we can work it out on the mechanism. Like, we can build a trolley to ease our way, right? 

I know good men still exist. I just don't know if Allah will blessed me with one or not in this dunya.

A man who is mature enough to lead a difficult conversation and provide me a safe space to give out my thoughts. A man who wants to build a family with me because I'm a person worth spending his whole life with, not because I benefit him in some superficial way. A man who is actually attracted to me, wants to touch me as his beloved beautiful halal wife as an act of worship towards his God, not just as a tool for getting children and build his legacy or individual pleasure. A man who wants to provide for me because he's happy to please Allah by doing it. 

The longing hurts sometimes, but I know there's nothing I can do to escalate it.

Perhaps my Zauj is destined for me in the hereafter, where eternal love exist.
Until then, may Allah rewards my patience and compensate this tribulation with abundance of khayr. 

7:44pm
01082024
Dengkil

you are allowed to

you are allowed to miss the reactions your body had
the sensations that addicted your brain
you are allowed to cry and shed tears while feeling the withdrawal 
it doesn't mean you want bad moments to happen again, or justifying them
it simply means your body is adapting to the changes
and your brain is wiring new neurons to replace the old ones

tell Allah about it, He'll never punish you for it
you have submit your soul to this religion,
left what He displeased with, and His promises are true;
you will be compensated with goodness in this world and the hereafter

probably not in a way we imagine or want, He knows best.
it might be a beautiful marriage, or even a beautiful death
both are pleasing to Him, and calming you from the evil of this dunya

till the time comes, He will always protect you 
you are allowed to cry to Him, and talk about you longing a companionship, 
longing for a connection and romance.
it's rizq from Him, and it's His decision whether you will be choosen
for the test and responsibility which come alongside the pleasure and serenity
either way, His promises are always true,
and He will never punish you for the way He has created you.

You are not perfect, but that is how He has created you in perfection as you should be.

Let the tears running, dear. 
And we'll keep going. 

11:53PM
01082024
Dengkil. 

A tribute (2024) before 30

Babe wake up. We're safe. 

You don't have to be scared anymore. 

Do you hear me? Our Lord has never forsaken us. 

Open your eyes and breath slowly. We're no longer in the endless ocean, drowned, gasping for air in the darkness of the night. The storm has ended. We're safe by the shore. This is the safest place in our mind that we have been in so far in 29 years. We did it, right before we turn 30.

I went through all our writings when we were younger, and I was actually shocked to come back and read it after two years. We were so miserable? How did we go through life like that? I'm talking years and years of untreated sadness at a very young age. 

Oh honey, I'm sorry we had no clue how to love ourself before. We mistreated ourself so bad, and we projected it onto other people around us. Our friends drifted away and we had no idea why, and can't fathom the intense loneliness we felt when we were far disconnected with ourself. Allahu.

Let me hug you. We're safe now. I have sent that messages that you would want me to send to them on your behalf. We have addressed our own toxic behaviour, apologise, thanked, and prayed for them personally. This time, we did it out of accountability and kindness in our heart, not fear. 

Though what has happened the last two years we went missing from here. It was a canon event that changed every parts of us. We needed a lot of support so I went to Instagram. But we are not holding on to the sufferings like its a badge of honour anymore. 

I've thrown away that badge.
It will stay with us as a part of our memory, not defining who we are. 

I'm sorry we hated ourself so much back then. I don't even wanna remember us spending every second of our life in a terrifying place- our mind. 

We did the hard work. We had the hard conversations. It was crazy scary. I kept telling myself that "I'm a full grown adult, fully capable of having a mature conversation with my parents. I'm not a teenager anymore. I'm almost 30". Because we can't be stuck in our childhood forever. 

And guess what? It's the best decision we've ever made. 
And I will not blame you for not doing this earlier. Without you, I'm not the person I am today, and we won't be where we are today. I am so proud of you and I love you. I love how you have made me the capable woman that I am today, and I believe we are going to achieve more amazing things in the future :) I forgive all mistakes you made, and I will not judge you or hate you for them anymore.

Our Lord is the most Compassionate and Merciful towards us, thus, we have to be compassionate towards ourself too. It's a part of our worship now, and it's nice to finally be here. 

Thank you for holding on for so so long and never give up on us. 

You drew stars around my scars, and now it's bleeding

'Cause I knew you, stepping on the last train, marked me like a bloodstain, I ~

I knew you, tried to change the ending, Peter losing Wendy, I ~

I knew you, leaving like a father, running like water, I ~

When you are young, they assume you know nothing.

I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss

I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs

The smell of smoke would hang around this long

'Cause I knew everything when I was young

I knew I'd curse you for the longest time

Chasing shadows in the grocery line

I knew you'd miss me once the thrill expired

And you'd be standing in my front porch light

And I knew you'd come back to me,

You’d come back to me ~

____________________________

Will come back for more episodes here by August, this time, judgement free.

We're officially best friends!! (Means I can still be angry and annoyed at you, but I no longer hate you!)

Alhamdulillah for Iman & Islam. 
Thank you Allah. 

1227am
310724
Dengkil.