I'm back at blog after two years. It feels so weird, but good to be back again.
I couldn't sleep for two nights. There are so much things inside my mind. Maybe it's time to write.
When I signed in to blogspot just now, flashback of memories were like being replayed inside my mind. I started this blog ever since I was a freaking dumb 14 year old little girl. And now, I'm a grown up, a person aged quarter decade, already someone's wife. This blogspot is where I collected all my memories, the sad ones and happy ones. This was my diary. This was my home, where I grew up. But adulting has made me drifted away from it. These two years I've been writing in notes, social medias. Life became utterly overwhelming, exhausting. Maybe I need my private space again. Maybe I need to return here, my home, the place where I grew up. I should grow old here too. Writing every fond memories here again so that I won't forget what my life used to be, and how I used to feel. Or maybe one day when I died, my loved ones can scroll this blog and remember me like the movies always play.
Today is 5th July 2020. Malaysia is in the recovery phase of Covid 19, a deadly virus that killed millions of people around the world. We were in movement control order for three months. Now people are starting to get back to work, my workplace has been operating again. People started to be more hygienic. Life goes on with new norms.
My marriage is stable now. I've becoming a more emotionally stable wife. I've learnt a lot on how to be a good caregiver to Faris, without affecting my own emotions and mental health. Supporting him through his sorrow, without me feeling low as well. There were hard times too (of course) when I cried all alone, couldn't share my pain to anyone. I was clueless and hopeless. I shouldn't deny that there were times when we started to think if this marriage was a right choice. Especially after his ECT, he became a totally different person (for a month) due to the detachment of his feelings with the memories he had in his mind, and some memory lost too. Maybe I should make a different blogpost about that later. But alhamdulillah two years of marriage has made me a stronger and wiser woman, I believe it does the same to Faris. I have my own coping mechanism now when Faris is struggling with his episodes. I made myself busy with studies, and my roommate-mode mindset technique is really helpful. People started to recognise us in social medias, our stories were aired on television, we were invited for talks in Universities. We are currently working on our Youtube channel: farisjedda to advocate on mental health. I have to say that this marriage has taught me to be selfless and falling in love with my husband's flaws, accepting him as he is. One of the greatest blessings in my life.
My family. Life is good living with my in-laws. Well, a little bit lacking of privacy, but what should we do, couldn't afford a house yet. I have very good relationship with my MIL, and she loves me so much. We travelled to Singapore together last year. She always give space to me and Faris to make life decisions, doesn't even care if we're not planning to have kids yet. Never force anything on us (except few little things every mothers would).
My parents are living the best of their life. I'm sure nobody has totally moved on from the tragic past, but at least everyone is taking themselves to new places, that's what I see. My mother is busy finding herself, through her papers, researches, journals, studies. Sometimes I really miss the old her, whom I can talk about stupid little things in life. About movies, plants, fruits, recipes, farts, dumb jokes, bakeries. All my conversations with her now are heavy and serious and so academic. But that's the life she chose. People change as life hit them hard. People change as life brings them to different places. Whatever it is, I'll always be proud of her.
I don't really keep in touch with my father anymore. Not as frequent as we used to. I tried my best, but the best I can is just once a month. Though, with a very heavy heart. I couldn't lie to myself, or pretend that nothing has happened. This scar in my heart will stay visible, no matter how hard I tried to hide it, it will stay visible that way. So clear and obvious. I have forgiven him, but I can't pretend that he's that perfect father I used to have when I was a little girl. I can't lie to myself that we can have the same beautiful bond we used to have back then before the hurtful incident. My father is getting old. He turned 60 this year and he's not that healthy. Sometimes I imagine myself being regret if he dies one day, while I didn't make full use of the time to treat him as a father. But what can I do? I can't force myself anymore. Either way, it will always hurt me.
My friendship life. At this age of a quarter decade, sometimes I feel like the relationship I have with my friends are more complicated than my marriage. Adulting is super hard, it's always like the biggest enemy of any childhood or teenage relationship. A year ago, I've decided to let her go, one of the most important person in my life. I tried my best to hang in and hold on. I tried my best to be the one she needs, but I failed, 'cause I'll never be one. Nevertheless, my love for her had never changed. I still love her a lot, putting her name in my prayers because she has given me the most beautiful memories during my darkest days. She's like an angel who was always there for me, keeping me company and safe till the day I'm married to my man, and then, she's gone. I should've realised this earlier, that a guardian angel will never need me. She took care of me and when the time comes, I have to fly on my own.
I lost friends, over reasons that I couldn't understand why. Sometimes I keep wondering why wouldn't they propose me to be one of their bridesmaids on their big days. Why wouldn't they invite me to their housewarming just like they invited the other girls, or invite me to their getaway and travel trips together. Was it because I'm married? Was it because it seems like I don't have enough money? I thought we were close friends. Maybe we just used to. Now we were drifting away, and soon went separately following our own paths. I started to feel anxious to come to any reunions or weddings, because I don't feel like it'd make a difference if I didn't appear. I came to learn, that friendships are almost impossible to maintain if the person doesn't need you as much as you need them, or vice versa. It hurts, every time, to watch this friendships loosen and break apart, silently. But maybe this is just the way it is. Maybe some people who used to give you the most beautiful memories will someday become just a memory.
I started to learn to appreciate those who are staying. Those who actually need me in their life. Those who feels I am important to them, as much as they are for me. Sometimes I forgot to cherish these people, especially my family and my best friends- sue and olly.
It's good to be back here, in this diary. It feels good to cry while writing my heart out.
Till we meet again.
02:40am
050720
Kundang.
