Paralyse

Dear God,

I am currently struggling with my life, with my whole existence. Everything seems like a massive, endless struggle. From the moment I open my eyes in the morning, until I close them back at night- which sometimes they won't close at all due to my trouble sleeping. Life is hard. 

Sometimes I wonder if we will forever struggle financially. Will there be a day when I don't have to worry about money anymore? Will the day come when I can give money to my parents and his parents without any worries? 

I'm a girl full of plans, dreams and ambitions. I know exactly what I want in life. I know exactly how to achieve them. I know exactly what I'm capable of. But dear God, I'm paralyse. My mind does not let me move, my body feels so heavy and sore when I'm trying to get some work done, sometimes it feels like my brain is my own enemy. It does not let me move, it doesn't let me achieve for what I want. It has always been this way. Am I useless, or am I just.. born different?

I want to be close to you again. But it feels so hard to do so, alone. I want to recite doa after every prayer, I want to do zikir and read the Qur'an again. I want to feel alive again. 

Dear God,

I am stuck. I do not know where to go. I am exhausted, mentally and physically. This feeling is so overwhelming. Sometimes I wish to have the life of my friends- who are able to grow in their career, who own houses and gain passive income, who have cute little children because they- can afford to have children, who are always close to You, able to be consistent in their amal fardi. But here I am, stuck in a workplace which doesn't give me enough money to live or enough place to grow. Here I am, struggling to pay my house rent using some of my retirement money left. Let alone to have a child.

I am lost. No music can fill my heart, no songs can make me feel empowered, no lectures or motivational talks can help me defeat my brain and unexplainable mental paralysis. I really wish that there's a pill for this overwhelming life, that can wash away all the chaos in my heart and mind. That can bring me to life again. I have died, before my heart stops beating. 

Dear God,

Have You forsaken me? 

1:20AM
091121
Seri Kembangan

 Hai kanvasku.

Aku telah sehari lebih tua dari semalam
Namun masih belum lebih beriman
Masih belum lebih bertaqwa
Masih belum lebih solehah

Mungkin aku seorang guru yang baik
Seorang pekerja yang bagus
Seorang anak dan adik yang sentiasa berusaha
Seorang kawan yang mencuba
Seorang isteri yang memahami

Tapi siapa aku untuk diriku sendiri?
Siapa aku di pandangan Tuhanku?

adulthood finally put a schedule for me

i don't know how you define success
but i know you don't see it in yourself
i don't know how you define accomplishment
but i know you don't seem to notice yours that much
at least, not in the past few months
or ever since you're in adulthood.

may I invite you to walk down a memory lane?
maybe sometimes, looking back in the past would make you realise how far you've come in life.
you're getting older. those memories are going to fade sooner or later. 

when you were 11, studies is your ultimate priority. it is the only thing that define you. 
being among the bright girls in Convent. Do you remember your school? You were so scared and nervous on the first day. Whos gonna be your friend? You're too used of being alienated due to your sinus and endless runny nose. We were all terrified at 11. you're nervous to speak in English. to buy food from the canteen. the worst part is when you forgot your homework. the best part is watching KTM back and forth on the rail from the back window of your standard 6 class. the best part is being Ketua Pengawas Surau when you can't even read the Qur'an properly. You didn't even know the last surah in the Holy book. 
Going to endless tuition class is undeniably exhausting. But you have those fancy time table on your study spot. with all the small self made 'stickers' which you cut from magazines and stick on the timetable. 

You felt accomplished. 

You don't have that many friends, but friendship at 11 and 12 is really a sweet memory. I wish we have videos and smartphones back then to record it. To this time, you still remember Siaw Szhe Hong, Menusha, Izzah, Nadhirah, Amira Norizan (whom you used to envy because she's so pretty. hahaha), Alyza Tan who loves her family more than anything in the world. Haha. Sandra Lee, Rabiatul, Dewi, Aiswarya Rai who are so noisy at the back hahaha. Those were the old days. Even if we're not friends anymore, I'm glad that at one point of my life, I once had them as my friends and classmates. They helped me grow when we were children.

And Alyza as I grew older, I realise that you were right when you say "Family is the most important thing. More important than friends. Your friends are going to leave you someday. But your family will the the only thing you have" because you choose to go on a trip with your family instead of after UPSR trip. 

Despite the challenges in Convent, I managed to get top 10 in batch. Few certificates I guess. and of course, 5A for UPSR. End of elementary school. 

When you were 13, Maahad has its fingerprints on every inch of your being. You are who you are now because of the school. Friendship blooms in the best of time. Friends are everything for a teenager, especially for a lonely one like you who only owned a cat at home, which had died after few years. Not all friendship stays the same, but I am still really grateful that we once had each other's back. in studies, in love stories, in kelab persatuan, in the bekal that each of us bring for recess. The one that really stays in my adult life now is Aieshah, Farisha, Amni, Allyana of course. Tasha, Syaima', Faridah, Syaiz, Sho, Capek. I can't grasp everyone to stay in my life. I'm not strong enough. Or maybe, that's just how adulthood works. It's impossible for everyone to stay. At some point, you gotta be separated. Besides some complicated love stories (which I'm grateful they never started).

Maahad witnessed your rebellion, but still got you 9As and 8As despite some complicated love stories (which I'm grateful they never started).. It was super hard. You hated the teachers, especially those who made you feel like you're an idiot. Pandu Puteri is a bittersweet memory. decorating the board is my favourite. You really enjoyed doing media works and class decoration. You love to draw. Cikgu Shahrul brought your art book to show to 4 other classes. 

You felt accomplished. You leave Maahad at 17, you were happy. 

Before the darkness came.
Before your family breaks into pieces.

It feels like yesterday. SPM Pre Graduation photoshoot is the last photo I had, with my whole family members. Complete.

You had to finish the final years of being a teenager in the dark. uncertain. unresolved. You ran far away from home, doing things that you hate, and that's where you don't know what success is anymore.

Degree years were a very dark age. I have written too much about it. 

Adulthood. Present time.

Adulthood has no guideline. No end target. No scheduled goals.

Elementary school? 6 years.
Secondary? 5 Years.
Degree? 4 years.
Master? 3 years.

Adulthood? Endless. 

No system is required to define success. 

I'm not writing this to force you define success tonight. 
I just want you to realise, that whatever plans you're having in your mind, you're capable of accomplishing them. 
You are going to keep this house. You are going to do the tele channel, instagram and etc etc in your book. 

You're going to stay up.

You always wanted a time due, now, adulthood is giving you two months.

ADULTHOOD IS GIVING YOU TWO MONTHS.

Achieve your dreams. You have the knowledge, execute it. Pray a lot. Pray and pray again.

losing grip

I guess, loneliness is inevitable at this age, no matter how many right people you have in your life, no matter how lively your job is, or how much access to entertainment that you have. TV shows, movies, songs, music. None of those can make me feel alive again. 

I used to face this identity and existential when I was young. But when we were young, we were full of enthusiasm. We have goals and lots of people around to keep reminding us when we went astray. The goal is to finish studies within four years, to excel in volunteerism within the timeline, to make that program succeed, to finish that task within the deadline, to join scheduled religious routine, to study for the exams which are coming in two weeks. We have friends, seniors, lecturers and activists to slap us in the face with motivation every single moment. Everything was tiring and confusing, but they were reachable, clear, unlike what we are facing in adulthood.

Adulthood, on the other hand, is full of uncertainties. Sometimes I feel like it is the only thing that can describe this phase. What is the duration of your current job? When will you move to the next job with a better pay? When will you have a baby? What are the routines of your ibadah? How many times should you join any motivational talks or religious discussion in a month? What is the new knowledge that you have gained? Your goals are not scheduled, your aims are not supervised, your knowledge is not challenged or tested, your purpose of this life is not being reminded by anyone anymore.

You're now all on your own. 

And it is really challenging. Especially when you are not an organised person at all. Now you have to organised a schedule for yourself, for every single thing in your life. 

My husband has rent a house for both of us. We have beautiful home now. The one that I have been imagining all this time. I have moved on from my past memories and settle for those who actually matters. I have finished my master degree. We have better financial status than we used to have three years ago. Husband's recovery journey is improving. He has not harmed himself for more than a year. My job is doing great, I got better at handling little kids. 

Life is perfect. 

But feels empty. 

Losing grip of who you used to be is so overwhelming. It feels empty not to be a person who read Qur'an everyday, who don't read books anymore, who don't recite maathurat, or listen to any religious talk, or stay on the prayer mat to recite 10 minutes personal do'a. It's like the life I knew is over, and it's so hard to crawl back to that normality and schedule them by myself with no supervision and motivation.

Oh Allah. I do not mean to be an ungrateful servant. It is just I am so bad at time management and self discipline. It has been one of the biggest struggle and mujahadah in my life. Forgive me for being a failure, stumble all the time. I do not like this feeling of being far from You at all. But I do not know how to pull myself and get out of this.

Help me.

6:04PM
090521
Seri Kembangan.

out

The time has come for you to step out from this life, into a better one, at least financially. This life as a kindergarten teacher is coming to its end. This life which you have built for almost three years has to be bid farewell. You know that someday this is gonna happen. I know you're scared, because you hate changes. You're uncertain of what's going to happen. This next right thing need you to step out of your comfort zone. And when I say out of comfort zone, I literally mean OUT of it. 

You're gonna meet new people. Maybe they will treat you like you're an idiot, or maybe they'll assist you with respect. Maybe there will be one colleague who hates you, or maybe there'll be more. Maybe you'll get a grumpy and verbally abusive leader, or maybe he/she is the understanding one. Maybe you'll hate your new job, maybe you'll love it. Maybe you'll have no idea what you're doing, maybe you will.

There is no certainty in whatever life path that you choose. Soon you're going to be a mother, guiding your children to make terrifying decisions in life. 

Expect tears, expect panic attack, expect unnecessary judgements, expect misogynists, expect triggers. But also, expect a stronger you, a wiser one. The one who knows how to respond to hatred with kindness. Expect no friends, but if you got one that's a bonus like he said. Expect burnouts and breakdowns, because you know it will happen, frequently, at least on the first three months of your new job. Make sure your husband knows what to expect too. Mental health deteriorating. 

If expecting the worst war is what it takes for you to overcome this fear, and be ready for it, then expect the worst war. Because you have to step out very soon. You know we're not going to wait until the kids' graduation this year. You are leaving. Brace yourself. I know you hate stepping out, but you're gonna make it. Make rules for yourself, jot down your coping mechanisms, jot down things you value about yourself. 

New world is always terrifying. You were terrified too three years ago. 
But you were out of your comfort zone.

Now, you just have to do it one more time. 

It's exactly the same. 

Except this time, you are going to be wiser.

030521
9:01PM
Seri Kembangan.

dad

 I met you last week. Everytime I met you, I notice you hair has turned whiter. You've got no black hair left. Not even a single strand.

You're now a lonely old man, with no one who can takes care of you. Are we disobedient children, dad? Or is life drifting us apart just like that? 

You used to have a family, that could take good care of you. But you left.

What do we do now? 

I know you must be crying yourself to sleep at night. I know you must be lonely and empty. You're good at masking too. But I could not take this feeling, or have deep conversation with you. Because you are my trauma. 

Is this our fault, dad?

280221
2:59AM

i don't know anymore what is true - Hello 2021

I guess it's not too late to start my 2021 here. 

This blog has been staying with me since I was 14 years old. That was 14 years ago? How time flies. I used to be that little young teenage girl who loved to update everything in my blog. Do you remember the days when almost everyone in your classroom have their own personal blog? Those days were so funny! We used to decorate our blog with various theme, put on a chatbox and reply to anonymous comments. Oh and yes, of course we were putting the song of our life as a background music. And stalk your crush's blog to see if he/she was in love with anyone. Haha! Good old days. Every single day, every single sport event, every single occurence will be updated here. And the only audience is your batch. We were trying so hard to fit in, to have the best friends and be the best. I am glad some of my friends stay. Allyana, Aieshah, Farisha. 

We have been dumb before. We hurt our friends, we say bad jokes, we yelled to each other, we wrote stupid things on social media. We were just lucky that viral did not exist back then. 

What did we know about life? 

Adulthood is making me almost impossible to express myself. Or maybe that's just our whole life is about. Maybe this entire life is about feeling overwhelmed, it's just that we don't remember the memories anymore. 14 years make a big difference in this world. I don't write for my own satisfaction anymore. I wrote for people to read, and I'm succumbed by the thoughts that they will judge every of my words. This blog is forgotten, despite being the only place I can cry out my mind without anxiety. Without being judged, even by my closed ones.

Or maybe those are just my assumptions?
At this point of my life, I do not know anything anymore. 

As I grew older, I realised a few traits in myself, which I suspect to be ADHD. But who knows? As an advocate, I reject self diagnosis, of course. But I can't stop thinking about the traits. I realised that I found it so hard to keep in track with time. This has been my whole life. When I say hard, I mean totally. I could not remember things that I googled one minute ago. I could not remember the outcome of my conversation with my husband. Slow pace in reading, because my mind was like slow down I could not understand anything. I struggle with being perfectionist, and I procrastinate a lot. Couldn't make a speech or plan something without visualising them. Spend 4-5 hours cleaning a small room just because I hate the dust at every edge exists. 

Sometimes it's disappointing when I did not know how to explain my struggle, and I think people view me as a forgetful woman, a burden, a slow learner. Or that I didn't try hard enough to keep track with time. How do I tell them that every word like "Takkan tak ingat?" "Kenapa sebut perkataan tu macam tu?" "Tertinggal lagi?" "Kenapa drive macam tu?" "Lain kali..." "Lain kali..." hurt my self esteem gradually every day? Am I eligible to feel this after all, or I'm just being too sensitive? Will I hurt them if I explain about my feeling, because they are having it worse? Is this really my attitude? But as far as I can remember, I almost never say that to others when they make mistakes, because I'm pretty sure mistakes does not happen every seconds, and everyone struggle not to make one. But what I received make me struggle to be perfect.

It's like my whole life I have to listen to others, and let others make decision for me.

Sometimes I feel like I do not own my life and myself anymore.

Being a broken person, and being in relationship with a broken person is not easy. We are inheriting the generational toxic cycle no matter how hard we are trying to break the chain. And it is so hard to stay on our ground, to be kind, calm and compassionate like how we aspire to be.

Or maybe I just have to accept that people are designed to hurt each other in certain ways, even the close ones. This life is just the way it is. It hurts, and will always do. It also makes you happy, but you have to make happiness stay.

2.50am
Kundang
280221