I guess it's not too late to start my 2021 here.
This blog has been staying with me since I was 14 years old. That was 14 years ago? How time flies. I used to be that little young teenage girl who loved to update everything in my blog. Do you remember the days when almost everyone in your classroom have their own personal blog? Those days were so funny! We used to decorate our blog with various theme, put on a chatbox and reply to anonymous comments. Oh and yes, of course we were putting the song of our life as a background music. And stalk your crush's blog to see if he/she was in love with anyone. Haha! Good old days. Every single day, every single sport event, every single occurence will be updated here. And the only audience is your batch. We were trying so hard to fit in, to have the best friends and be the best. I am glad some of my friends stay. Allyana, Aieshah, Farisha.
We have been dumb before. We hurt our friends, we say bad jokes, we yelled to each other, we wrote stupid things on social media. We were just lucky that viral did not exist back then.
What did we know about life?
Adulthood is making me almost impossible to express myself. Or maybe that's just our whole life is about. Maybe this entire life is about feeling overwhelmed, it's just that we don't remember the memories anymore. 14 years make a big difference in this world. I don't write for my own satisfaction anymore. I wrote for people to read, and I'm succumbed by the thoughts that they will judge every of my words. This blog is forgotten, despite being the only place I can cry out my mind without anxiety. Without being judged, even by my closed ones.
Or maybe those are just my assumptions?
At this point of my life, I do not know anything anymore.
As I grew older, I realised a few traits in myself, which I suspect to be ADHD. But who knows? As an advocate, I reject self diagnosis, of course. But I can't stop thinking about the traits. I realised that I found it so hard to keep in track with time. This has been my whole life. When I say hard, I mean totally. I could not remember things that I googled one minute ago. I could not remember the outcome of my conversation with my husband. Slow pace in reading, because my mind was like slow down I could not understand anything. I struggle with being perfectionist, and I procrastinate a lot. Couldn't make a speech or plan something without visualising them. Spend 4-5 hours cleaning a small room just because I hate the dust at every edge exists.
Sometimes it's disappointing when I did not know how to explain my struggle, and I think people view me as a forgetful woman, a burden, a slow learner. Or that I didn't try hard enough to keep track with time. How do I tell them that every word like "Takkan tak ingat?" "Kenapa sebut perkataan tu macam tu?" "Tertinggal lagi?" "Kenapa drive macam tu?" "Lain kali..." "Lain kali..." hurt my self esteem gradually every day? Am I eligible to feel this after all, or I'm just being too sensitive? Will I hurt them if I explain about my feeling, because they are having it worse? Is this really my attitude? But as far as I can remember, I almost never say that to others when they make mistakes, because I'm pretty sure mistakes does not happen every seconds, and everyone struggle not to make one. But what I received make me struggle to be perfect.
It's like my whole life I have to listen to others, and let others make decision for me.
Sometimes I feel like I do not own my life and myself anymore.
Being a broken person, and being in relationship with a broken person is not easy. We are inheriting the generational toxic cycle no matter how hard we are trying to break the chain. And it is so hard to stay on our ground, to be kind, calm and compassionate like how we aspire to be.
Or maybe I just have to accept that people are designed to hurt each other in certain ways, even the close ones. This life is just the way it is. It hurts, and will always do. It also makes you happy, but you have to make happiness stay.
2.50am
Kundang
280221
