i don't know how you define success
but i know you don't see it in yourself
i don't know how you define accomplishment
but i know you don't seem to notice yours that much
at least, not in the past few months
or ever since you're in adulthood.
may I invite you to walk down a memory lane?
maybe sometimes, looking back in the past would make you realise how far you've come in life.
you're getting older. those memories are going to fade sooner or later.
when you were 11, studies is your ultimate priority. it is the only thing that define you.
being among the bright girls in Convent. Do you remember your school? You were so scared and nervous on the first day. Whos gonna be your friend? You're too used of being alienated due to your sinus and endless runny nose. We were all terrified at 11. you're nervous to speak in English. to buy food from the canteen. the worst part is when you forgot your homework. the best part is watching KTM back and forth on the rail from the back window of your standard 6 class. the best part is being Ketua Pengawas Surau when you can't even read the Qur'an properly. You didn't even know the last surah in the Holy book.
Going to endless tuition class is undeniably exhausting. But you have those fancy time table on your study spot. with all the small self made 'stickers' which you cut from magazines and stick on the timetable.
You felt accomplished.
You don't have that many friends, but friendship at 11 and 12 is really a sweet memory. I wish we have videos and smartphones back then to record it. To this time, you still remember Siaw Szhe Hong, Menusha, Izzah, Nadhirah, Amira Norizan (whom you used to envy because she's so pretty. hahaha), Alyza Tan who loves her family more than anything in the world. Haha. Sandra Lee, Rabiatul, Dewi, Aiswarya Rai who are so noisy at the back hahaha. Those were the old days. Even if we're not friends anymore, I'm glad that at one point of my life, I once had them as my friends and classmates. They helped me grow when we were children.
And Alyza as I grew older, I realise that you were right when you say "Family is the most important thing. More important than friends. Your friends are going to leave you someday. But your family will the the only thing you have" because you choose to go on a trip with your family instead of after UPSR trip.
Despite the challenges in Convent, I managed to get top 10 in batch. Few certificates I guess. and of course, 5A for UPSR. End of elementary school.
When you were 13, Maahad has its fingerprints on every inch of your being. You are who you are now because of the school. Friendship blooms in the best of time. Friends are everything for a teenager, especially for a lonely one like you who only owned a cat at home, which had died after few years. Not all friendship stays the same, but I am still really grateful that we once had each other's back. in studies, in love stories, in kelab persatuan, in the bekal that each of us bring for recess. The one that really stays in my adult life now is Aieshah, Farisha, Amni, Allyana of course. Tasha, Syaima', Faridah, Syaiz, Sho, Capek. I can't grasp everyone to stay in my life. I'm not strong enough. Or maybe, that's just how adulthood works. It's impossible for everyone to stay. At some point, you gotta be separated. Besides some complicated love stories (which I'm grateful they never started).
Maahad witnessed your rebellion, but still got you 9As and 8As despite some complicated love stories (which I'm grateful they never started).. It was super hard. You hated the teachers, especially those who made you feel like you're an idiot. Pandu Puteri is a bittersweet memory. decorating the board is my favourite. You really enjoyed doing media works and class decoration. You love to draw. Cikgu Shahrul brought your art book to show to 4 other classes.
You felt accomplished. You leave Maahad at 17, you were happy.
Before the darkness came.
Before your family breaks into pieces.
It feels like yesterday. SPM Pre Graduation photoshoot is the last photo I had, with my whole family members. Complete.
You had to finish the final years of being a teenager in the dark. uncertain. unresolved. You ran far away from home, doing things that you hate, and that's where you don't know what success is anymore.
Degree years were a very dark age. I have written too much about it.
Adulthood. Present time.
Adulthood has no guideline. No end target. No scheduled goals.
Elementary school? 6 years.
Secondary? 5 Years.
Degree? 4 years.
Master? 3 years.
Adulthood? Endless.
No system is required to define success.
I'm not writing this to force you define success tonight.
I just want you to realise, that whatever plans you're having in your mind, you're capable of accomplishing them.
You are going to keep this house. You are going to do the tele channel, instagram and etc etc in your book.
You're going to stay up.
You always wanted a time due, now, adulthood is giving you two months.
ADULTHOOD IS GIVING YOU TWO MONTHS.
Achieve your dreams. You have the knowledge, execute it. Pray a lot. Pray and pray again.
