Private

Bismillah.

Yeayy hi there world, I mean hi there myself, hahaa. So this is my first entry after I privatised my blogger. Omo best gila okey thinking that tak ada orang dah akan baca or judge kau or get the negatives thoughts from me after reading this. Haha. It's kinda making decision to wear a healthy mask, so that the germs I brought wouldn't be transferred to close people kahkah.

Oh my God imma so happyyy. Aku rasa lama-lama aku jadi introvert lah gini lel haha.

I swear last weekend was extremely bad. Maybe everything terkumpul-kumpul lepas tu syaitan buat main kepala aku. Huh. I was screaming holding knife in the kitchen, best gila menjerit ok. Kalau tak sebab aku fikir nak masuk syurga, maybe pisau tu dh makan aku. Then second day I was screaming in the bathroom. Dua hari ni syaitan asyik suruh aku fikir pasal Tuhan. Jahat kan syaitan? Dia memang suka nak orang masuk neraka sama-sama dengan dia. Tapi Tuhan baik. Tuhan sedarkan aku, itu bukan aku. Itu cuma depresi aku. I am not depression.

Kesian la kawan-kawan dan ahli rumah aku :'( Aku malu nak kawan dengan semua orang. Berapa orang je boleh terima aku lagi? Berapa orang je boleh faham yang aku bukan macam apa dorg nampak? Sekali aku break down, berbulan-bulan mujahadah aku akan hancur berderai depan mata manusia.

Kesiannya kawan-kawan aku !

Aku dah nampak siapa kawan yang benar-benar kawan. Sepanjang 'sakit' aku datang ni, Sue dengan All je (selain ahli rumah) yang tanya pasal aku. Aku dah mula sedar. Tak pe lah, kalau ketenangan dan kegembiraan yang dorang cari dalam persahabatan, bukan akulah sahabat itu. Aku tak ada apa-apa nak offer, not even myself. Aku takkan berharap lagi pada Nadiah, atau Paan, atau Kak Han, atau akhowat lain. Aku takkan cerita apa-apa lagi pada mereka. Aku taknak susahkan sesiapa lagi. Biarlah mereka dengan perjuangan mereka. Biarlah aku tanggung sendiri sakit aku, ubat sendiri luka-luka aku. Tiga tahun dah terlalu lama untuk aku hanya menerima dari mereka. Biarlah mereka rehat dan memberi pada orang-orang yang tak menyerabutkan fikiran mereka.

Cuma suatu hari nanti kalau aku dah sembuh, aku nak jaga orang-orang macam aku. Aku akan sedaya upaya bertahan untuk jaga mereka, sebab aku tahu sakitnya duduk dalam satu jasad yang kau kena berkongsi dengan makhluk pelik.

Aku bukan menafikan kasih sayang yang kawan-kawan aku beri. Tapi tak adil kan mereka ada lelaki yang boleh merasionalkan emosi mereka? Mereka boleh cerita pada ayah, abang. Aku ?

Tuhan Maha Mengetahui.

Dulu aku fikir cita-cita aku nak jadi penyabar.

Lama-lama aku sedar, aku dah penyabar. Aku bukan budak jahat. Aku cuma terperangkap dalam jasad aku sendiri. I am fighting my own self.

Those symptoms are not me. Those are the symptoms of depression.

I am not depression.

Jadi, aku dah jumpa cita-cita aku yang baru.

Cita-cita aku, nak sembuh dari sakit ni :')

Jangan putus asa dengan rahmat Tuhan, Jehaada. Kau boleh hadapi ini seorang diri. Ya, seorang diri. Hanya aku dan Tuhan. Remember ?

Wassalam, Musirrah.

my last canvas

Bismillah.

I've been waiting for weeks to post this. There's a few drafts and I rejected them all because I found them too emotional haha. Abaikan. That was the time my depression came so I can't think harmoniously. Well this post might not be harmony either.

I'm making a hard decision then. Please do read till the end. This might be the last you'll have from me.

2016. It has been seven years since I first made my blogspot. Throughout this seven years, so much had happened. I love my blog link so much because I hate changes. I really hate changes.  I love things the way they are from the first place.

But the world changes. People change. Love changes. I keep telling myself that I don't have to change together. I thought I didn't, but in fact I have changed more than I expected.

Back then during my school days, I used to update my every happiness here on this cyber canvas. The school's sports day, gotong royong, classes farewell, graduation day, family outing, parents' anniversary. I swear those years were the best moments I've ever lived in. My biggest problem was just not able to be in the class that I longed for. Or a little fight with the boys on which team deserve to use the court for marching practice. Or hating my brother for teasing me ugly wearing shawls.

But 14 years old me has now turned 21. She is no longer living the same life. And at some phase of life, I came to realise that happiness is nothing but a fairy tale.

There's a point where I woke up and happiness is not there anymore.

My canvas turns ugly. My colourful brushes has gone. There's only tears left to sketch the reality.

Someone used to say to me back then, that blogs are not diaries. We write to give benefits to people. To inspire. To share knowledge.

I tried.

I tried so hard. I know, nobody ever want to read dramas.

I tried to inspire people. To be me.

But soon I realised that wasn't me. It's terribly faked.

I thought I didn't lose myself, in fact I've never meet 'her' anymore since the tragedy. Yes, that girl inside me who used to be happy, has actually gone.

It has been two years. And it hurts me every time I try to remember that she's no longer there. But there's another uninvited person hiding inside me. I don't really know her well, but most of the time she gets control of my mind and left bad effects.

Things happened, the previous semester was so bad, so I decided to take an M3 Assessment. I scored a high chance of suffering from mood disorder, depression and bipolar.

I regret that these past two years that I've revealed my broken parts too much to the world. I regret it that I have made wrong decision to trust people that they can heal me. I started to post things privately on Facebook. I think it's suppose to be a good thing not to let people know too much what's on your mind. I guess they're lying about the idea of sharing thoughts and supporting each other. But I wrote to IIUM Confessions and found so many people who wear the same shoes as me. Just maybe this is the best place for people like us to share. Somewhere free from the stigma of the society,

I think the time has come for me to shut the world out. 

For me to accept that normal people shouldn't be dragged into my depressed life 

Positive and inspiring people shouldn't be messed up by my negativity 

And that I should push them away

That they shouldn't be playing roles anymore in my dramas .

It's time to shut the world out. 

People don't have to know too much about me anymore 

Because at the moment I realised that I will never meet someone that can understand me

Never, because even me couldn't understand myself.

It's time to find a new definition of friendship.

Friendship may not anymore suitable for a definition of ;

'I've seen your best & your worst, and I choose both' 

How can they possibly do when the fact is they're not as broken as you ?

I'm sorry for everything. Thank you for reading my writings. Please pray for me. In a few weeks from now I will make this blog private. I can't say for how long. Just if God allows me to find happiness again, I will write back to the world.

May peace be upon you

summarising june !

Bismillah.

Hi there guys. So it's currently July and seems like I've left June alone without any blog entries. Well mungkin aku fokus Ramadhan haha.

So we have another three days left for our dear Ramadhan to say bye-bye. Huhu. What a heartbreaking farewell it will be. I'll miss you. How you give me hope to rise back after every degrading I've experienced. My Lord I really hope my #HopesOfRamadhan this year will come true. But of course we need to put our best efforts to make them come true. There are a few things that our Murobbi asked us to list before Ramadhan. She left it as the homework for our last liqo' before the semester break started.

Oh my God. I adore her so much. I might not know everything about her. She even might not be the most caring person I've ever met. She's like my other friends, who don't always know how to respond when I chose them as my listener. But her effort in guiding us, her Mutarabbies (it sounds like Teletubbies), to be better, to improve. Her patience and hard works are really something. I have no idea how she can perfectly manage her time for DnT and her Medical course. This girl taught me a lot. From being tough, wise, good cook, and looking elegant haha. She's beautiful. Literally beautiful and neat. I learned a lot to take care of my appearance from her.

"Dia memang kemas orangnya. Even dalam rumah pun, dia tak pernah selekeh," that's what her close people said about her.

And that inspired me a lot to ponder my style. I try to wear formal or smart casual apparels wherever I go. Blouses, jubah, baju kurung. I try to avoid wearing just t-shirts except for sports. I learned to improve my cooking skills, exploring the recipes I never bother before. Haha.

Overall living in Jordan has changed me a lot in my cooking skills. My first Jemput-jemput was born here. So does my first Spaghetti, Nasi Lemak Ayam Berempah, Nasi Tomato, Nasi Ayam, Tom Yam, Kuih Bakar, Agar-Agar, Kek Coklat. I swear I never produce anything brand special back then in Malaysia. Now and then I figured out that cooking is actually simple gilaaa and finally I can define perfectly what people mean about 'just campak-campak laa' .

That's how 'qudwah' she is in my life. I 've always put a wish that if someday should I given the trust to be a Murobbi, I want to be like her.

There's a few other people who I always adore and wish to be like them. Nadiah for her wisdom and self confidence, Sue for her hardworking and toughness, Paan for her well-disciplined. Everyone loves them like people love butterflies. Without saying anything they can attract people.

Sometimes I wonder if there's someone who adore me the same way. I wonder if I have at least someone whom I inspired. Who look at me and say 'I wan't to be like her,' the same way I look at Nadiah. Or 'this girl is a definition of survival' the way I define Sue. Yeah I know we have to be ourselves but you know what I mean. Or is it me being too thoughtful and expressive ?

I told people to be themselves is as simple as to be what Allah wants you to be. But it's actually harder than that. I guess I have grateful issues or a bad acceptance of myself. Most of the time my self esteem is very low. I'm not confident enough with my look. That is why I hate being in front of cameras so I always choose to be a BTS girl. I don't know wether 'expressiveness, talkative and friendly' hiding inside a person like me are good qualities or the opposite. I always found myself as an annoying person. People hate those who express too much, don't they ?

Maybe I should stop expressing things. Stop telling people how much I love them. Because not everyone really in need of your clingy confessions.

Blergh BUT HOW DO WE 'BE OURSELVES' TO BE EXACT ?

I should learn to be grateful and stop thinking I don't belong to myself.

Stop it right there.

So we have finished our semester break before the summer semester begins. I went to UK with my kakak. I swear it was a blast ! Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal. I've made a video on our trip. Here's the video if you would like to watch it. Jangan kata ukhti tak payongg.

Kakak's lips was terribly hurt and dry at that time so she couldn't smile that broad hahaha that's the funniest part I told her she looked like a hungry teacher. And there's me, trying to build up my self confidence with that pale face in front of the camera -.-

My friends went back to Malaysia. And some others choose to return after the summer semester.

"Kau tak balik Malaysia ke?" the FAQ .

"Tak kot. Huhu,"

"Kenapa kau tak balik weh?"

The second question is damn harder than Masorif Muasoroh I told ya. I can always go back to Malaysia if I want to. The money is there. The semester break is one month. But I'm already where I want to be. Here's my dream. To be faraway. It was the same answer to the question "Why did you choose this course?". I just don't want to be home. That's it. It's ridiculous that you can love something so hard, but avoiding it harder. I want to leave this dream soon knowing that I won't be getting back to it, so it's time to get back to the reality, it's time to get back home. They call it back for good.

Another one year . How time flies.

For I still can't define Eidd, Alhamdulillah for my improved Ramadhan.

Wassalam. Musirrah.