losing grip

I guess, loneliness is inevitable at this age, no matter how many right people you have in your life, no matter how lively your job is, or how much access to entertainment that you have. TV shows, movies, songs, music. None of those can make me feel alive again. 

I used to face this identity and existential when I was young. But when we were young, we were full of enthusiasm. We have goals and lots of people around to keep reminding us when we went astray. The goal is to finish studies within four years, to excel in volunteerism within the timeline, to make that program succeed, to finish that task within the deadline, to join scheduled religious routine, to study for the exams which are coming in two weeks. We have friends, seniors, lecturers and activists to slap us in the face with motivation every single moment. Everything was tiring and confusing, but they were reachable, clear, unlike what we are facing in adulthood.

Adulthood, on the other hand, is full of uncertainties. Sometimes I feel like it is the only thing that can describe this phase. What is the duration of your current job? When will you move to the next job with a better pay? When will you have a baby? What are the routines of your ibadah? How many times should you join any motivational talks or religious discussion in a month? What is the new knowledge that you have gained? Your goals are not scheduled, your aims are not supervised, your knowledge is not challenged or tested, your purpose of this life is not being reminded by anyone anymore.

You're now all on your own. 

And it is really challenging. Especially when you are not an organised person at all. Now you have to organised a schedule for yourself, for every single thing in your life. 

My husband has rent a house for both of us. We have beautiful home now. The one that I have been imagining all this time. I have moved on from my past memories and settle for those who actually matters. I have finished my master degree. We have better financial status than we used to have three years ago. Husband's recovery journey is improving. He has not harmed himself for more than a year. My job is doing great, I got better at handling little kids. 

Life is perfect. 

But feels empty. 

Losing grip of who you used to be is so overwhelming. It feels empty not to be a person who read Qur'an everyday, who don't read books anymore, who don't recite maathurat, or listen to any religious talk, or stay on the prayer mat to recite 10 minutes personal do'a. It's like the life I knew is over, and it's so hard to crawl back to that normality and schedule them by myself with no supervision and motivation.

Oh Allah. I do not mean to be an ungrateful servant. It is just I am so bad at time management and self discipline. It has been one of the biggest struggle and mujahadah in my life. Forgive me for being a failure, stumble all the time. I do not like this feeling of being far from You at all. But I do not know how to pull myself and get out of this.

Help me.

6:04PM
090521
Seri Kembangan.

out

The time has come for you to step out from this life, into a better one, at least financially. This life as a kindergarten teacher is coming to its end. This life which you have built for almost three years has to be bid farewell. You know that someday this is gonna happen. I know you're scared, because you hate changes. You're uncertain of what's going to happen. This next right thing need you to step out of your comfort zone. And when I say out of comfort zone, I literally mean OUT of it. 

You're gonna meet new people. Maybe they will treat you like you're an idiot, or maybe they'll assist you with respect. Maybe there will be one colleague who hates you, or maybe there'll be more. Maybe you'll get a grumpy and verbally abusive leader, or maybe he/she is the understanding one. Maybe you'll hate your new job, maybe you'll love it. Maybe you'll have no idea what you're doing, maybe you will.

There is no certainty in whatever life path that you choose. Soon you're going to be a mother, guiding your children to make terrifying decisions in life. 

Expect tears, expect panic attack, expect unnecessary judgements, expect misogynists, expect triggers. But also, expect a stronger you, a wiser one. The one who knows how to respond to hatred with kindness. Expect no friends, but if you got one that's a bonus like he said. Expect burnouts and breakdowns, because you know it will happen, frequently, at least on the first three months of your new job. Make sure your husband knows what to expect too. Mental health deteriorating. 

If expecting the worst war is what it takes for you to overcome this fear, and be ready for it, then expect the worst war. Because you have to step out very soon. You know we're not going to wait until the kids' graduation this year. You are leaving. Brace yourself. I know you hate stepping out, but you're gonna make it. Make rules for yourself, jot down your coping mechanisms, jot down things you value about yourself. 

New world is always terrifying. You were terrified too three years ago. 
But you were out of your comfort zone.

Now, you just have to do it one more time. 

It's exactly the same. 

Except this time, you are going to be wiser.

030521
9:01PM
Seri Kembangan.

dad

 I met you last week. Everytime I met you, I notice you hair has turned whiter. You've got no black hair left. Not even a single strand.

You're now a lonely old man, with no one who can takes care of you. Are we disobedient children, dad? Or is life drifting us apart just like that? 

You used to have a family, that could take good care of you. But you left.

What do we do now? 

I know you must be crying yourself to sleep at night. I know you must be lonely and empty. You're good at masking too. But I could not take this feeling, or have deep conversation with you. Because you are my trauma. 

Is this our fault, dad?

280221
2:59AM