Dear Najmi,
Hey, it's me again.
I know I said that this is 'the same old sh*t, and I know how this will end.' But now, it feels like a completely new chapter that I have not seen before. Yeah, Kinda got the crushing-on-your-junior-sekolah-agama vibe, and it feels reciprocated..? Idk. Kinda feel like a heartbreak I choose to sign up for, because, either way, I am already heartbroken. What difference does it make? Might as well enjoy the friendship I found along the way.
"Terima kasihlah menceriakan summer break ana."
-"Terima kasih kerana bersabar dengan saya"
"Kalau ana ghosting mulai Khamis ni jangan overthink pulak.... KAN KU UTUSKAN SALAMM.."
-"INGATANKU.. DALAM DOAAA.."
"Tidur la weh. Sah gila masing-masing" I chuckled at the crazy cute sticker you sent. It's like a cuby little guy losing its mind, shaking the head front and back. I have not stopped smiling and giggling since the last three hours. For God's sake, what am I? 14? And you're, 10?😠Aishah Kamal really said 'jodoh saya masih sekolah rendah vibes'.
I wish I know what's on your mind, until I realised you don't either. You told me you don't have a stance, and you don't want to find out what is your stance. I was just really bitter that you were completely shutting me out since the night before gotong royong, when all I wanted was a discussion. During the day we bring the kids to hike, I was just happy to see you were there.
"Kenapa tak boleh janji nak datang?"
-"Sebab taknak ada komitmen"
"Hmm.."
-"Sihat?"
"Anta kawan je dengan ana kan?"
-".... I mean.. what's more to that..? Bukannya nak ada apa-apa pun kan.."
"Tak, tapi kawan je kan?"
-"Kawan je.."
"Okay. Tanya je,"
And then.. it was me annoying you to the Palestine rally.. You start to talk to me again, and we break the ice again. The difference this time is, I probably have escaped the limerance and rumination. You have a very cute smile, a soft heart (in a good way), speak gently to people of all ages. Somehow I have been trying to tell myself over and over again; "He's not going to pursue you. Why would he?". "He's not pursuing you. Kindly do not ruminate. He's not ready". I think it's working well. I don't know.
You have been a very sweet friend to me despite being a hardcore avoidant and can get very awkward at most times. You came and helped my father at the emergency room and handled him to the toilet. You went and find extra blanket for him and tuck him in. I remembered as I walked to the emergency area and saw you standing, with a grey jersey and kopiah, waiting for me. It was a warm feeling, thinking that this is probably your first time being present for a female friend. I can feel that you care for me, but I know I will never hear you say anything about it, and I know that you feel conflicted. One day, Najmi, when this fades away, I know I will still be glad to ever feel the joy of being your friend in one of many chapters of my life.
-"Ana sebenarnya tak tahu nak rungkai dinamik ni"
"Ana tak boleh rungkai untuk anta sebab ana tak tahu apa dalam fikiran anta"
-"Nantilah bincang. Belum masa yang sesuai"
And I know the time will never come. It does not have to. I am not expecting it. I should not.
It was twelft of August, almost the end of summer break. School is starting in a few days. I aspire that you are not going to be the centre of my life anymore. I will be super busy with my school and my family. I hope you will be fine. Ah, what a stupid wish. Of course you will be fine. I hope I will be fine, and moving on from the version of you I created in my mind. It's refereshing that this time I am moving on from a crush out of cuteness and not annoyance. It's really fun to chat with you and our face-to-face interactions are often equally funny as well.
Just like the friendship I had with him. The kind that have to stay that way.
Or.... maybe not?
I found myself comfortably telling my mom and my dad about you.
"There's this friend. I like him. Since Ramadan. I love the way he carry himself around people, the religous understanding and the humility he has. He's also funny. We have been talking, but I don't think he sees me as anyone, nor he is ready for anything,"
And they were there listening to me. They validated me. They tried to give suggestions and offered support. Ummi, especially, was focusing on me and my story and did not make this about her and her ex. I feel valued again by both of them, and this is one of the most beautiful interaction I have had with them regarding romantic life. Actually, this is the first time I brace myself to talk to my parents casually about someone I like, without the fear of them freaking out or questioning my judgement.
"It doesn't have to be him. I'll be glad that he's a part of the process of me finding the one."
And for that, alhamdulillah, and thank you, Khairul Najmi. For simply existing in a part of my life. I just caught myself smiling a little bit more now, being bubbly again at home and workplace, and it just feels like the world has more colours in it everytime I open my eyes. At the same time, it does not feel suffocating. The sweetest thing I have not felt in a long time (not sure if I ever felt this before) is a guy doing good things for me and not expecting for something in return- especially not something inappropriate. Not bringing up his 'contribution' to manipulate me. Just being there genuinely, serving others and walk around being kind because that's who he is.
-"Nah rambutan,"
"Uish siap kupas. Anta kupas ke ni??"
-"Ye ahh,"
"Weh gigihhh. Susah susah je"
-"Risau terbagi yang tak elok"
"Terima kasih.."
.....................................................................
Trying my best to find my centre in this journaling and stick to the goal. It's supposed to clear my mind and not adding to more delusion. Gotta go back to school work and focus on my daawah there. It's the priority now, the daawah we are doing around the non-Muslim and non-practicing Muslim society. This has to keep me occupied.
May Allah guide us, Jehaada.
0704AM
190825
Kota Damansara
