non-existed

Sometimes I wish I can tell my father how much he has ruined my life.
Because of his decision, I can't undo all the trauma towards men
Every single thing triggers me, and it took me years to pull myself together
I thought I've healed and forgotten how it feels,
But eventually, my body remembers everything.

On my weakest days, the thoughts stay close with me.
I don't want to be alive. Or more specifically, I want to non-exist.

Because of what you did, my whole worldview towards men changed
I know that this world consists of lots of trash men,
But it's devastating to realize at the age of 17, that my own father is one of them
No you're not a bad father towards me
I know that you have sacrificed a lot whatever
But what you did to your spouse,
somehow make my brain believe that that's how women are supposed to be treated
Make me believe that that's what you want for my life
And you won't stand by me if someone did the same to me

Sometimes when things trigger me so much
I wish you would've just discussed your marriage
And divorce her, instead of marrying someone else behind her
I would've respect you more if you did that

Now I have to deal with all this shit you left behind
And you expect us to treat you like nothing happened
I don't care about what you feel
You choose to bring me into this world, 
I didn't ask for this life, and I certainly am not thrilled to face this world
Now my husband wants a child,
Why would anyone wants their wife to hurt physically like that?
I don't even want to exist,
Give me a reason to bring another life into this world,
just to have let the person grow up and experience the same pain as me?

I am tired. 
I don't wanna die because I will definitely go to hell first based on my daily sins
I wish I never existed before. None of these bullshit.