#KhairunNur Part 1

Here for the drama, remember?



"Jae, he's gone," 

"Already?"

"Yup.. This is the end of this chapter."

I sighed heavily. 

"You know the series is ending in December, and you knew exactly how this will end. We'll be okay," 

I wrote this on December 17. A promise is a promise. I have promised her, months ago, that December is the cut off time, and I have to stay true to myself. She needs to move on and start her journey of building the bridge to aakhirah, that including cutting down all the distractions, which includes cutting him off. We have to proceed with our plans- to memorise the Quran and find ways to involve in janaazah management. We have to, before it's too late and this dunya brings us further from Him again. 

That night I was crying so hard to Allah, begging to be released from this heavy test. "Ya Allah, aku tak tahu sampai bila lagi aku akan mampu bertahan. Kalau Engkau masih tidak memberikanku jawapan, aku sangat takut dan khuatir aku akan tertipu dengan fitnah dunia dan kehilanganMu sekali lagi". It was really painful, and shameful. I started to have the thoughts again; I am not a good woman. 

Asking everyone I met and my loved ones to make prayers. 

Every single hints I said to him for months was met with subtle rejections; not that I am not used to it throughout my life. 

- "Ana ni tak ada apa-apa pun untuk di move on kan"
"Mana anta tahu? Anta tak pernah tanya ana pun"
- "Ok cukup have to stop it here. Not the right time"
.........................

"Ada lifetime subscription tak?"
-"Nah.. You don't need me that long"
.........................

-"I mean, we are nothing more than just friends, right?"
"Is that a real question for me or a subtle statement from you?"
*silence*
"A- Real Question. B- Subtle statement. C- Invitation to discussion. D- None of the above"
-"I am going with B"
"Okay. Thank you for the clarification" 
.........................

-"I am just a passing somebody in your long journey"
"That's your assumption. You never care to ask" 
-"I would like to think of it that way" 
.........................

"Nanti Quran anta ana pas pada Zura, minta akhi Abu pas kan pada anta,"
-"Hmm.. Tak suspicious ke nanti,"
"Suspicious apa nya. Kan anta yang post dalam group tanya siapa nak ganti tempat anta untuk program tu,"
-"Okay,"
"Risau sangat orang tahu kita kawan dengan dia. Lepas ni dah tak payah risau dah,"

(I was not sure why I took that so personally and it felt like every words coming out of your text just really annoyed me. Geram je. Like, apa masalah kau eh. Aku nak blah dah kan.)
.........................

-"He said he's ashamed of admitting.."
"I am listening"
-"Admitting that he is an overall hypocrite. Emotional manipulator, sweet talker, opportunist, non-commital but still seek for attention. It's a shame that he crossed path with you," 

Ok bro whatever. Not my first time. I have seen the worst of men and I refused to believe you are one of them. God knows what's behind closed doors but I have no rights to question that when I had once gone astrayed.
.........................

-"You said I never asked who am I to you. My request is that you keep it to yourself. I don't think I can hear the answer"

"So far cerita ni ikut skrip, with the ending that I already expected. Not sure what I am upset about. Baiklah Khairul Najmi. Lepas ni saya takkan kacau awak lagi dah. Maafkan perangai saya yang over. I am not a good Muslimah. Lukisan-lukisan saya tu boleh lah dispose. Maaf lah saya kalau menghargai someone, I often go all out for that person. You don't have to feel conflicted anymore."
.........................

All those time I brace myself to hint my feelings towards you (which I was 90% sure you get it because I have been very obvious). Nabila also had told me "Dia tahu kan kau suka dia?? Pastu kau stay lagi buat apa kalau dia taknak commit?" and I have prepped myself for December and finally ready to leave. Because that's how the story is supposed to be. It's supposed to be the last episode, and I am supposed to grief in peace. 

-"Sejuk tak dalam dewan? Kena bawa jacket tak"

"Sejuk. Ana kat luar pun dah selsema. Ana pun tak bawa jacket"

-"I got two"

(Where did you even learn to be all sweet and gentleman like this? So annoying) But I need the jacket though. Fine whatever. It's my last day of being your friend after all. 'Might as well just enjoy the friendship' was my tagline when I first decided to befriend you last May.

That Saturday night after the UNIC concert was really weird, it didn't feel real at all. I feel like my brain was guarding me from trusting you too much, it refused to digest what you were saying. I initially felt weird because you wanna sit down and talk, instead of my initial request for a short chat.

"Rushing balik ke akhi?"

-"Tak. Why?"

"Macam nak sembang kejap. For one last time" 

-"Sure"

"Kejap je sementara tunggu Grab. Ada nak bagi something"

-"I'm reading through our conversations from yesterday. Trying to find a different ending"

"Maksudnya apa?"
.........................

"Ana kat luar ni"

-"Masuk dalam lah. Sejuk sikit. 
.........................

-"Dah book Grab ke? Takde kot Grab waktu ni"

"Tulah nak balik cemana lah. Lambat sikit ada kot"

-"I can offer a ride..?"