That same day, I asked you to come to masjid after my liqa' so we can finish the discussion and decide what is the ending to this story. You came around 10pm, and I let you finish the portion of nasi arab I left for you. We talked about my exam, and your day. As we started to continue our discussion, you told me something that - made me dissapointed, but I was not surprised, but I was still upset, but I realised I have no rights to be upset because I signed up for this heartbreak - kind of way.
"So ana summarise semalam eh, basically yang ana faham anta kata ada tiga kemungkinan dalam hal kita ni, betul? Sama ada dua-dua takde perasaan, which the course of action is we end the texting lah sebab it's not good. Ataupun, kemungkinan salah seorang sahaja ada perasaan, ataupun mutual feelings. We agreed that we have mutual feelings, so we have not discussed the course of actions yet, betul?"
-"Betul,"
"Ada apa-apa lagi yang anta nak sambung dari semalam ke, atau dah turn ana bercakap dah,"
-"Ada lagi. Em, dari pihak ana, sebagai course of actions, ana nak sit down with myself and figure out my timeline. Sebab macam kita ni kira taaruf dulu kan, bila nak kahwin mesti nak tengok kita allign ke tak.. So I will figure out my goals, values semua tu, and we'll see if we allign,"
"Yup, okay," I tried to maintained my cool when you said the word 'kahwin' because I never associate you with someone who actually wants to commit lol.
-"Lagi satu ana nak jujur dengan enti... Em... Sebenarnya... Ana ada sorang kawan ni yang approach ana juga. She's my friend masa intern,"
My heart started beating fast and I can feel the blood rushing to my head. Of course. Nothing new. At least I know you are not gay? Am I really that naive? I misjudged him too, did I? I sure know how to pick them. Can I still insist to believe that whatever he has been doing is because he is inexperienced and confused, not that it's a flaw in character like other guys?
-"Kan ana cakap, ana tak sebaik yang enti sangka,"
"Tak adil untuk anta punish diri anta. Di usia macam ni memang tengah belajar and explore how to show up in front of opposite gender, how to handle attraction and commitment. Some people don't think it's wrong to befriend two people at the same time pun, but if you feel guilty, then it means that it's against you values and you're not the guy you want to be,"
I took a deep breath. Trying to organise my thoughts and identify my insecurities because she can't be seen speaking now or we'll sound so dumb. We're not. We're a healed woman. We don't need him, we WANT him, that is, if he wants us too, remember? This is painful to my ego and very uncomfortable, and new, but obviously not the worst thing I have ever encountered.
Though, there's a feeling that I kinda get back my sense of control at that moment, like 'Hahh! I know you are too good to be true! You are just a human being!' and I felt more rational to talk afterwards, sounding more certain of my stance.
"Boleh ana tanya, anta rapat dengan dia macam anta rapat dengan ana?"
You nodded slowly.
"Sejak waktu intern?"
-"Tak. Sejak awal tahun ni."
"I see. So masa anta berkawan message ana, anta message dia juga la,"
-"Em, yeah. It happens at the same time, if that's your question,"
"Faham,"
Both of us went silence.
"Pernah bincang pasal kahwin?" I proceeded to break the silence.
-"Pernah. Pernah jumpa mak ayah dia juga, bukan untuk kahwin la, tapi pernah jumpa. Macam ana pernah jumpa ayah enti," you replied, slowly.
"So sekarang macam mana?"
-"Hanging," You answered, staring in the void.
I nodded and took a deep breath again. I knew yesterday was unreal, and thus I did not get excited over his words at all. Rare occasions where my anxiety and overthinking finally play a significant role.
"Anta kena settle benda ni satu-satu, akhi. Ana tak nak contact anta sampai benda ni settle. Anta tak boleh urus semua ni dalam satu masa," I can feel my voice has become more strict at this point.
-"Ana faham. Betul,"
"Ana sebenarnya semalam nak bagi anta surat then ana nak blah. So dah jadi macam ni, ana takkan bagi surat ni, tapi ana nak bacakan pada anta surat ni, part yang perlu sahaja. Boleh?"
-"Okay," you nodded.
I told him a little bit more details about my past marriage before proceeded to read the letter to him, so he get where I am coming from. It started with my confession that I have admired him way before we became friends, and I appreciate learning a lot from his perspectives about life as we interacted with each other, and I met myself deeper in places I have never seen before. The letter ends with thanking him for this friendship, and apologising for every distractions I have caused. Lastly, "I remember telling my mom, he doesn't have to be the one. I am glad that he's a part of my journey in finding the one. Best wishes, Kak Je#####"
He was listening attentively, covering his mouth with his right arm as he rested his head on the table. He then slowly raised his head and lean to the chair as I folded back the letter. That, was one of the bravest thing I have done in my life.
-"Yang ana nampak.. enti ni memang mindset sentiasa nak belajar dalam setiap keadaan untuk improve diri enti. Apa pun yang berlaku, enti sentiasa akan cari pelajaran di sebaliknya,"
I nodded and there was a few seconds of silence.
"Point is, I have always been intentional towards you. Izinkan ana mode akak-akak sikit ya. There's a difference between liking someone because you really like who they are, their values, their attitudes, or, liking someone because you enjoy the feeling of comfort they are giving you. As for me, ana boleh cakap, if I take off my emotional attachment towards you and I bring you down from the pedestal, I still like you for who you are. You are still someone I admire because of your kindness, attitude, the way you carry yourself. And I do feel like we share a lot of similar values, religious goals, family priorities, even sense of humour. In my checklist, you have it all, except no stable job yet, which I believed can be worked on. Now you need to sort this out in yourself, which is which. What's your feelings and perspectives towards her, and towards me,"
-"Ana rasa comf..."
"I don't want to know now. Sort things out with yourself first. Your personal goals, your values, what you want in life. Talk to her, she deserves a respectful conversation like how we are having right now sebab anta rapat dengan dia dah lama dari ana. If she doesn't know how to initiate it like I did, you have to lead because you are the man. Settle apa yang anta perlu settle. Reach out back to me after Ramadan, whether or not you still want to proceed with me,"
-"Ana rasa sebelum Ramadan ana boleh settlekan h..."
"No, jangan kacau Ramadan ana. Ana nak fokus my bridge to aakhirat. After Ramadan. Malam Raya,"
-"Okay, betul tu. Baik,"
We both took a deep breath. The lights around the hallway of the masjid has been turned off and the uncle was sitting with us at the dining area of the mosque, probably thinking we were discussing about a program or whatever, since I have my notebook out and you were also taking notes using your phone. I know I am going to miss talking to you, but it's not my first time leaving a worldly comfort for the sake of Allah. I can't have you distracting me anymore. The time is over. For now, this is the ending.
I promised myself that I will move on by December, so I will believe that you are high-likely gonna choose her, and move on with my life. Whatever happens after Ramadan happens, is another whole new story I don't want to think about. Not because I doubt my worth, but I doubt his capability and self-confidence to carry someone complex like me, so probably he will proceed with her, which is okay. I'll grieve, and be okay.
"Alhamdulillah. I appreciate you being transparent, and I am glad we have this conversation. Ini adalah jawapan Allah kepada doa ana, ana nak clarity sebab ana serabut. Allah berikan ana clarity hari ni,"
-"Ana.. belajar banyak benda malam ni. Alhamdulillah, for everything. Sekali lagi, maafkan salah silap ana,"
"Baik akhi, ana beransur dulu. Semoga jumpa apa di cari. Assalamualaikum,"
-"Waalaikumussalam,"
"You promised me. It's December,"
"Yup I know. We'll move on,"
"You know he's not going to pursue you right?"
"Yup. I'm sorry. We'll disregard what he said. I promise this is the last one,"
"It's okay. I am proud of us. Let's process this and get it over with"
"InshaAllah,"
.....................................
03012026
1213PM
Kota Damansara
No comments:
Post a Comment