That Saturday night after the UNIC concert was really weird, it didn't feel real at all. I feel like my brain was guarding me from trusting you too much, it refused to digest what you were saying. I felt unusual because you wanna sit down and talk, instead of my initial request for a short chat. You sat at the closed Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf dining area, waiting for me to take my seat. I honestly wasn't sure what was going on, and why are we sitting down together. What do I say now? What do we do? Why are you opening your laptop and relaxing, taking out your chocolate bun leftovers and offering me to share?
I definitely did not get the script prior to this scene.
You started talking about the concert, the songs and performances, the best parts of the show. You endlessly compliment my handpainted UNIC banner and took pictures of it, with me as the background, admiring my artwork. When I jokingly told you that I am thirsty due to singing along just now, you immediately went to your car to get water for me. You returned with your coffee cup which you have washed, so I can pour water and drink from it. I ended up using the free mug I got from one of the booths because using yours is a weird thing to do. We then excitedly exchanged the merchandise we bought and talked about the song lyrics.
The memories of my previous marriage where I was continuously mocked and made fun of because I listen to nasyid, came to my mind. I realised this conversation means so much to me, as it was my first time sharing a similar music interest with someone, where I can just be myself.
I could not comprehend the situation, so I looked at you for as long as I can while you were talking. That was the closest I felt to you, and I know it will never happen again. I just know that after this ends, I will take a long break from pursuing anyone else, probably will stop talking about it altogether. A long while. Maybe forever. I don't know anymore. As I stared blankly at my mug, randomly then reminded of you coming to my dad's house where I served and refill you water too, and the ice-cream you brought. I was washing the bowls and cups in the kitchen, I looked at you sitting and talking to my dad at the dining table.
This clearly has impacted me more than I planned, because of him playing his role too well. But the damage is done. I have promised myself, this is the last drama. I don't want to get hurt anymore. Not with another avoidant who is afraid to hold me.
"So ada apa enti nak cakap?" you asked after a few seconds of silence between us.
I couldn't bring myself to say anything anymore. I stare silently at the empty tables and chairs in that area, thinking if I should just give him the letter and leave, getting back to my script.
"Boleh ana start dulu?" you asked again. I was not expecting you to say something, so I just nodded, thinking that probably you are going to thank me and apologise like how I wanted to do before we part ways.
-"Sepatutnya ini kira last la kita bersembang kan, kalau ikut enti. Tapi personally sebenarnya bagi ana, ana taknak benda ni berakhir macam ni,"
"I'm sorry?" I startled.
-"Erm, kan enti kata nak sembang for one last time. But I don't want this to be the last time,"
Honestly, nothing much registered on my mind after that. I remember you apologising, a lot of times, for everything you did to me. You admitted that you are emotionally attached to me, and wanted to see if we can continue talking as usual, but you are not going to initiate? I didn't quite get it. What I heard is, you are confessing that you like me, I think? It was like addressing all the confusions, the flaws in our interactions, and reflecting on past issues we had.
I told you that I could not finish this discussion as I was too sleepy and hungry. You sent me back home and we stopped to get food at the mamak, where you requested to take pictures of our wristbands together.
You sent me home around 3:30am, and I slept, waking up the next day to complete my online final exam.
That same day, I asked you to come to masjid after my liqa' so we can finish the discussion and decide what is the ending to this story. You came around 10pm, and I let you eat the nasi arab I left for you. We talked about my exam, and your day. As we started to continue our discussion, you told me something that - made me dissapointed, but I was not surprised, but I was still upset, but I realised I have no rights to be upset because I signed up for this bs - kind of way.
.......................................
"You are not special, Jae. Wake up. He's not going to pursue you," I opened my eyes to her voice.
Am I really that naive and dumb? I misjudged him too, did I? Can I still insist to believe that whatever he has been doing is because he was inexperienced and confuse, not that it's a flaw in character?
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